We, at Comediva, think this write-in candidate should be a girl. Perhaps an adorable and hilarious new girl whose intrusiveness doesn’t bother you at all — but instead just makes you want to chuckle .
Who’s that girl? It’s Zooey!
If America’s current sweetheart were to run our country, she’d put together a quirky, heartwarming Presidential Cabinet that would probably look like this:
First Gentleman: Justin Long
Source: UsMagazine.com
Justin Long would use his new platform to help showcase American technology and innovation—specifically the American technology and innovation of Apple, Inc. He’d show up to schools across the country standing next to a guy who was uglier and less interesting-looking than him. He’d point out that this ugly guy was less cool than him because he didn’t star in the hit romantic comedy He’s Just Not That Into You. Meanwhile, the ugly guy would disagree with Long, but would inadvertently say something that would prove Long right, like saying Windows XP was as cool as Tom Arnold in True Lies.
Long’s efforts would prompt Americans to buy Apple products in droves. Unfortunately, the smugness Americans would exhibit after buying these products would make them instantly more annoying to their friends.
Secretary of State: Jake Johnson
Source: Zimbio.com
As Secretary of State, Jake Johnson would frown at Pakistan for harboring terrorists, but then he would do nothing to punish Pakistan. (He would also refuse to admit that America has a HUGE crush on England.) Then, after he helped Chancellor Merkel and President Sarkozy solve the Eurozone Crisis, he, Sarkozy, and Merkel would celebrate by dancing naked to Jamaican music.
Secretary of Sex: Max Greenfield
Source: IMDb.com
Max Greenfield would invent his own cabinet position, The Secretary of Sex. His sole responsibility would be to pleasure women all across America. Unfortunately, President Deschanel would have to dissolve his position because it would be discovered that most American women would rather be sexually harassed by Herman Cain than be “pleasured” by Max Greenfield.
Secretary of Labor: Lamorne Morris
Source: TV.com
After one week of acting as the Secretary of Labor, Lamorne Morris would resign from his position in order to take up a starring role in another Presidential Cabinet in a different country named Eybeesee. Morris would be replaced by Eddie Murphy‘s son, Eddie Murphy Jr., who would then be replaced by Chris Rock Jr., who would then be replaced by a cardboard cutout of Barack Obama.
President: Zooey Deschanel
To help mend the country’s class divisions, President Deschanel would turn all of her Presidential speeches into songs. She’d travel across the country singing these songs until her rich, soothing voice would lead everyone in the 99% to share hugs and kisses with everyone in the 1%. The 99% would hold hands with the 1%, and then they’d both go skipping through a meadow of sunflowers, giggling like Catholic schoolgirls.
