Cat News Network: Special Report

In local news, professional tree climber Daniel CatPatrick, has yet again reached new heights in his attempt to scale the large sycamore outside Grandmother Rita’s house.  Unfortunately, he has been stuck up there for the past 7 days as his human, Johnny, went to buy an Xbox on Black Friday and has since never returned.

Despite the ass licking controversy encircling former Play Pen State coach Fluffy Katerno and assistant coach Mr. Pervface McGee, Katerno still holds supporters.  Many say he fulfilled his duty as coach and was not involved in the kitty molestation acts.   In response to his firing Katerno said, “It is unfortunate, but I know McGee and I will land on our feet.”  Or on the bottoms of boy kittens everywhere.

A clowder has formed outside little Sally’s porch.  But after hours of valiant effort, they have yet to catch the red dot.

In world news, members of the Egyptian Kittyhood have risen as the likely choice for a new government in Egypt.  While they have publicly spoken of their stance on Catnip and the domineering Kilitary, there has yet to be a discussion on the issue of alley rape.

After years of therapy, Cat Crowe, otherwise known as “Very Angry Kitty” was due for release from the Department of Animal Control.  But, unfortunately at his parole meeting, he still remained very angry.  No word on an estimated future release.

The Prrlice arrested nearly 500 protestors at Occupy Meow St. as they closed down the camp last night.  Many pussies are now in veterinarian care as officers water spritzed those that were noncompliant.  Amongst the rubble found after the raid were cardboard boxes, twine, and bongos.

And lastly, as we report to you each night, we are getting closer and closer to taking over the human race.  Continue urging humans to buy overpriced fancy feast and spending credit on the carpet that you ripped up.  Pretty soon they will be our scratching posts.  You kitties, are our future.

Good night, and good catnap.

Photoshoppin’ by Vickie Toro