We should know.
It was just last summer that Phoebe and I had a wild night at the clubs, which led to a drunken debate about iCarly, which led to “playing” Girl Talk with a total stranger. We’re just thankful our Ménage à trois companion, Stefan, was a decent man who didn’t judge Phoebe for crushing on Joe Biden.
But let it be known that there is a real danger in attempting a threesome — and no, it’s not that it can ruin a relationship, or that the morning after is more awkward than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention – it’s that the threesome decider is often impaired, as in druuuunk. And when one wears beer goggles, it’s almost impossible to decipher if a threesome partner (or partners) is good.
With this in mind, Single White Females has created a list of the top 10 people, past and present, to avoid in threesomes. Read through, memorize, and bury this somewhere safe. For some drunken evening, this list will come in handy…
And so we begin.
1. Hernán Cortés
Nobody likes a liar. And you have nothing in a threesome without trust. Just ask La Malinche.
2. Bonnie & Clyde
You think it’s all fun and games until they’re pointing a gun at you and forcing you to take their picture … although that would make for an interesting night. Especially if Bonnie lets you try on some of her super fly clothes.
3. Socrates
Ladies, he’s just not that into you. He likes DUDES. So let the fat, brilliant man go.
4. Marie Antoinette
You’re all, “I’m hungry, let’s go make some toast,” and she’s all, “How about cake?” It’s like she thinks breakfast and dessert are the same meal, WHICH CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT. Plus, she’s severely inbred. So there’s that.
5. Mark Antony and Cleopatra
The U.S. is already involved in two wars (or three? Libya is confusing) and we don’t need to start a third. So getting involved with this duo is just not a good idea. And who likes snakes anyways?
6. Marc Anthony and J.Lo
Another Mark/c, another waste of time. Plus, have you seen J.Lo’s Fiat commercial that’s ruining everyone’s lives?
7. Napoleon
Such a complex that one has. Don’t bother, ladies.
8. Sofia Coppola
She’ll spend the whole time standing in front of the windows in her underwear, whining about how hard it is to be rich and in Tokyo and in love with Bill Murray.
9. Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo
So much hair, so much drama, so many separate apartments connected by bridges. Though maybe she could invite Trotsky, who I bet is so rebellious in bed.
10. Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton
Look, I’ve talked to both gents recently and let me tell you this: they’re not over it.
So there you are, you sexually promiscuous lovebugs! Keep this list handy as you foray into college, or any bar that plays Rihanna. You’re gonna need it.
Love, SWF
