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Giant Heels / Platforms:
If you feel grounded in your shoes, throw them out. The modern-day foot should be clad in heels that look like they were designed by Clifford the Big Red Dog. If you’re having trouble deciphering the trendiness of a pair of shoes, refer to this basic guideline: the more at-risk your ankles are, the cooler you look in your shoes. You should feel like you’re standing on a ladder, and then you look down and realize you’re actually just wearing a giant pair of heels… so it’s like a ladder that you can walk around on, right? Well, barely. We don’t recommend mobilizing of any sort while wearing these heels, so you should probably just stand in the corner all night. You might look like a bored loser, but at least you’ll look like a trendy bored loser.
Tribal Prints:
Basically, any print that seems like it was even moderately inspired by the Incas or the Mayans or Whatsawhoans (Duh. Native to Iowa. Like, get some culture). If this trend is all sold out in stores, don’t fret… you can make your own. All you have to do is recruit your 5-year-old niece for arts and crafts time, and tell her to draw shapes. Any shapes. Then color them in. Then have them screen printed onto a shirt, and, voila! You look totally tribal. Feel guilty ‘cause you’re probably dwelling on land that was once indigenous territory? Not to worry. Rocking a tribal print is basically like repenting for our injustices as Americans. Never forget.
Oversized “Shirts”:
Shirts that are clearly shirts are so last season. If you stumble upon a garment with an ambiguous identity (i.e. you can’t tell if it’s a top, a tunic, or a muumuu), purchase it, and wear it as a top. You’ll be the envy of every trendy bitch on the block. For an even hotter look, find a top that appears to be average length in front and then plunges down below your knees in back. You heard us — an uneven hemline is the modern mullet. Wear this look and rock it out. Party in back, baby.
OUT
Eating:
Food pyramid? Pssh, not in 2011! More like Food Teepee. These days, an appropriate meal is a handful of almonds and iceberg lettuce. If you really wanna get crazy, treat yourself to a kid’s size fat-free frozen yogurt with carob chips and 1/8 teaspoon of fruity pebbles for extra flavor (do not, we repeat do NOT, forget to bring your measuring spoons with you to the yogurt shop). And then thank society for still accepting your super-sized ass. Hungry? Don’t be so negative. Use the time you’d usually spend pigging out to utilize Google’s new workout regimens; try them out, and tweet about your experience! Too much fun. And anyway, eating will come back in style… some day. Right? Right? (God, I need a burger).
Selfishness:
Unless at least .50 of your $5,000 outfit has been donated to African babies, don’t even bother wearing it. That sort of selfishness doesn’t gain you any style cred, my friends. So, make sure you say “yes” when asked to buy a garment in support of charities set up by mainstream clothing companies for positive publicity. Oh, and make sure it has the title of the charity on your shirt, which will probably be something super hip-sounding like “silence no more” or “blue,” so people will know you donated — it’s basically like carrying around a sign that says, “I’m a good person… and I’m trendy, so be jealous of me.” But, you know, in a more modest way. (P.S. You can support the above cause at ShavarRoss.com.)
Birth Control:
What has rosy cheeks, chubby thighs, and is the hottest new fashion accessory? Don’t say Apple Bottom jeans. We’re talking about babies, people! Every outfit can be made cuter by adding an adorable little nugget at the hip, so it’s time to ditch your birth control and get to baby making before the fad passes. What’s that, you’re single? The sperm bank never hurt anybody. Baby bumps are currently a sign of status, trendy maternity wear is on the uprise, and MILFs are today’s most sought after sex symbols. If you want to be stylish, immediate reproduction is necessary.
Talk about your favorite trend, or share your own style tips, in the comments below!
