Que verguenza.
Mira, I have been to the motherland. I have visited mi Mexico lindo. Have you? I know its history. I know its culture. I know that, unlike in the U.S., I am taller than most of the people there. I was inspired by the beauty of its ancient temples, the richness of its arts, and the buzz I got off that sample of pulque they gave me on a guided tour of the ancient ruins of the Aztecas. I was so shocked by the poverty, the mistreatment of indigenous peoples, and the fact that they don’t call carne asada carne asada, they call it bistec. Mi gente, que chingados es bistec? This is an outrage!
It is because we do not know Mexican history that corporate influence has run amuck in Mexico. In 2004, a Walmart opened next to the ancient ruins of Teotihuacan. In Mexico City, there’s a McDonalds in the middle of La Capital that not only sells Big Macs with a refried bean spread but Quarter Pounders with jalapeno-cheese. I had both. They were delicious. But that’s beside the point!
We must curb the corporate influence over Cinco De Mayo in the United States before it gets as bad as it is in the motherland. We must remind people what Cinco De Mayo really celebrates: a small uprising against a French invasion of Puebla, Mexico in 1862.
According to my extensive research on Mexico’s version of Wikipedia, Wikiestaybienpeda, in 1862, a small, ill-equipped Mexican army defeated an invading French army twice their size! Fue solamente con la fuerza y corazon de la gente that the expert French army was finally defeated.
Cinco De Mayo was a victory over European imperialism! That means that today is not a day to go out to Rubio’s Mexican Grill and buy their 99-cent combo special! No.
Today is the day you guilt-trip your mother (or your Mexican friend’s mother) into cooking her delicious homemade enchiladas for you and your co-workers. Today is the day you actually buy those oranges from that guy standing next to the freeway exit. Today is the day you buy that rose from that flower lady that stands outside that club you frequent in Downtown L.A. Today is the day you actually buy those tamales from that tamale lady down the street, instead of politely saying to her: “No, grassy-ass.”
Today is the day you support the little guys because it was on Cinco De Mayo that the little guys triumphed over the big guys. Hoy es el dia que reconoces a la raza como tu propia familia.
If you’re gonna hold a Margarita today, make sure you’re holding your mom, your aunt, your cousin, your co-worker, your friend, or — por que no? — that tamale lady down the street.
Y mas importante, today is the day you turn to anyone who has the audacity to serve you French fries and shout:
“Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir!“
Which in Spanish means:
“No chingas conmigo, guey!“
And in English means:
“Down with French Imperialism!”
Today, we say, “Down with corporate greed!” Down with First-World imperialism over the Third-World!
Y que viva Mexico! Que viva Las Mexicanas! Que viva Las Chicanas! Y Que Viva La TAMALE LADY!
Ha! That’s three tequila shots, Shirley. BAAAAAAHAHARHARAHR!
Uhhh… I wanna lick Mario Lopez’s dimples. Shhh… it’s a secret. HARHARHAR!
Ayyy. Why won’t the words stop spinning? Staaahp.
I think I’m gonna be sick.
(Editor’s note: In honor of Cinco De Mayo, Shirley and Frida were engaged in a drinking game today. Anytime anyone said “tamale lady” Shirley had to take a shot. Anytime anybody said “Happy Cinco De Mayo!” Frida had to take a shot. Shortly after submitting this article, Frida was found in the women’s restroom throwing up into a “Cinco De Mayo” decorative piñata.)
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Woot! Go, Frida! Take a shot.
P.S. Mmmm Flaming Hot Cheetos