Welcome to the first edition of the Kinda Epic TV Awards, where we take a gander around the broadcast television landscape and report our findings. Avoid slogging through hour upon hour of trite dialogue and manufactured reality show drama, we’ll find the best bits and bring them to you!
‘Best Zombie Kill’ Award Goes to … ANDREA of AMC’s “The Walking Dead”
On Sunday, the much-awaited return of “The Walking Dead” shambled onto our screens and threatened to eat our brains. Mmm … brains! One of the highlights was an epic zombie kill executed by Andrea, in which a zombie became the proud recipient of an eyeful of screwdriver. The sound effect this made alone deserves an award. If Andrea could give an acceptance speech, she’d also have to acknowledge Dale, who threw her the screwdriver when she couldn’t get her gun assembled. The feminist in us scoffed a little at the assisted kill; that said, any fan of the Walking Dead comics knows that Andrea’s going to become all kinds of badass with the pistols, hopefully soon.
‘Best Name on a Reality Show’ Award Goes to … THE SUCKLORD of Bravo’s “Work of Art”
In addition to the award for douchiest suit in a press photo, Bravo’s artist competition show “Work of Art” features a character who takes the cake for the most simultaneously hilarious and completely idiotic reality show name of all time: THE SUCKLORD. Yes, this artist actually goes by this name. His explanation? That it merges his self-deprecation and self-aggrandization into one super-sucky nom de plume. The lower thirds onscreen revealed his given name is Morgan Phillips, but this guy had no problem intro’ing himself to his fellow contestants with a straight face: “Hi, I’m The Sucklord.” That alone makes him one to watch this season, even if the Gandalf sculpture that landed him in the bottom in the show’s first week was kitsch squared.
‘Most Anticipated Reality Show Cast’ Award Goes to … THE NEXT SEASON of NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice”
This week’s announcement of the upcoming cast of next season’s Trump-erific “Celebrity Apprentice” has left us at Comediva in a giddy reality show euphoria. Why, you ask? Next season’s cast is packed with wackadoos and washed up D-listers, as well as a couple of gems who should keep the show drama-licious.
Meet the new cast, ranked by interesting-ness!
Clay Aiken (“American Idol” runner-up/Out-and-proud/Former simpering yokel who won the hearts of old ladies with his dulcet tones)
Teresa Giudice (Real Housewife/Table flipper/Neanderthal hairline-bearer)
Paul Teutal, Sr. (Motorcycle fabricator/Proud owner of Hulk Hogan-y mustachio)
George Takei (Actor/Starship pilot/Constantly brings up that his husband, Brad, used to be a runner and “an Adonis”)
Adam Carolla (Loveliner/Podcaster/Large teeth/Hates Florida, Germany and Mountain Dew)
Tia Carrere (She was in Wayne’s World)
Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk)
Debbie Gibson (No longer famous pop star)
Arsenio Hall (Failed actor/Failed talk show host)
Penn Jillette (Absurdly tall magician)
Lisa Lampanelli (Insult comic/Most likely to break down emotionally/Used to exclusively date black men)
Dee Snider (Twisted Sister frontman/Drag queen chic/7-Up Retro shill)
Marco Andretti (IndyCar driver/Who cares)
Dayana Mendoza (Miss Universe 2008/Guantanamo Bay fan/Eye-candy)
Aubrey O’Day (The reason Danity Kane broke up/Bisexual/Here’s hoping she seduces Miss Universe)
Cheryl Tiegs (Old model)
Patricia Velasquez (Newer model)
