Granted, Gandalf never explicitly said anything about being into Saruman, like Dumbledore was into Grindelwald, but, come on: “elder,” unmarried man with a clear hobbit-dude-crush on Bilbo Baggins? Also, he’s played by Ian McKellan. [And I’m not even sure if I can think of anything witty to say that would make that statement clearer.]
So what is it about wizardhood that not only draws gays, but also propels them into unparalleled greatness? Behold! An easy-to-read chart for your nerdgastic pleasure!
[Note: This is only focusing on [a very particular kind of] gay man. Sorry, lesbians. Expect a follow-up about Minerva McGonagall… someday. Because you know Dumby was her lesbro. And The Hog’s Head totally had Witches’ Nights/Wizards’ Nights.]
| Gays | Kick-Ass Wizards |
| Like dudes. | Know how to handle a staff and/or wand. |
| They tell it like it is and keep bitches in check; think “Sassy Gay Friend.” | They tell it like it is and keep bitches in check; think “Everything Dumbledore’s ever said/done” and “Everything Gandalf’s ever said/done.” Face it. They save bitches’ lives. |
| They wear what they want, know they look awesome, and don’t give a crap about what frumpy douchebags say. | They wander around in harsh conditions wearing robes, and nobody f*cks with them. |
| Are very articulate. | The clarity and power with which they pronounce spells are unmatched. |
| They’re awesome. | They’re awesome. |
| My best friend is one. (potentially related to the previous entry.) | I wish Dumbledore and Gandalf were my best friends. (Though, Kyle might be a wizard for all I know. I’M ON TO YOU, KYLE.) |
Now some of you might be thinking, “But does it REALLY matter? Does it?”
The answer is…”No.”
To be honest, there’s a reason Tolkien and Rowling never thought to mention anything “super gay” [whatever that means] about Gandalf and Dumbledore: and that’s because it just isn’t a big deal in Middle Earth and … England.
In fact, the most important lesson to be learned here is: Don’t be homophobic, ‘cause the person you offend might secretly be a BAMF wizard.
ACCIO JUSTICE!
