by Kick-Ass Kelli
These are just some things I keep in mind when I need to find someone for my 11 p.m. pony ride. I call it my Vajayjay GPS. Let’s begin, shall we?
1. Lube
Don’t bring any. You can tell a lot about a man by his supply. Does he have some? Good boy, mommy might let you sneak in the back! Does he have a lot? He might be confusing you for a slip n’ slide … which is a good thing (unless he actually IS confusing you for a slip n’ slide)! He doesn’t have any? Awww … how cute! He probably wants to hold doors open for you, too. Conquer him, make him call you mommy and you’ll have your very own man servant on those nights when you just don’t feel like getting new batteries for St. Nick (name your dildos, it’s more exciting).
2. Drinks
A lot of girls use this as a road map to find out if a man is worth his weight in salt. I find this method to be a waste of my goddamn time. If you’re going to a bar to get laid, find the man you’re looking for and attack. You want sexual empowerment? You need to think with your “dick,” buy the man you want a drink and own him. If he turns you down, he looks like a pussy in front of his friends and then they all want you. All of them. ALL. OF. THEM. 3. Sand
DO NOT BANG A GUY ON THE BEACH. You might as well hang an “Out of Order” sign on your hooch. She’s going to be pissed at you for quite awhile. What’s on a beach? Sand. Sand gets everywhere. Lube will not save you, it will only trick you. Then you will spend the rest of your week convincing everyone you’re just saddle sore from herding cattle.
4. Multiple Men
I draw the line at two, because after two, it becomes a bad ’70s porno flick. Honestly, when there are three, sex becomes a bikram yoga workout. Sure, it sounded great when you heard about it from a friend, but once it starts happening, you get bored, exhausted, and want to get the hell out of there. Spit roasting is wonderful, anything more than that and you’re back to the herding cattle excuse.
5. Ex-Husband’s Best Friends
They are the perfect revenge and they have wanted you for years. They come with twice the enthusiasm, three times the thrill and none of the drama. They are my Coke Zero of cock. Try one — you’ll never go back to a bar.
First of all, I never watched “Sex and the City,” so when people tell me that I remind them of Samantha, I have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. I don’t throw away my time watching shows about women and their sexual empowerment, because I find it much more empowering to spend that time having powerful sex.
These are just some things I keep in mind when I need to find someone for my 11 p.m. pony ride. I call it my Vajayjay GPS. Let’s begin, shall we?
1. Lube Don’t bring any. You can tell a lot about a man by his supply. Does he have some? Good boy, mommy might let you sneak in the back! Does he have a lot? He might be confusing you for a slip n’ slide … which is a good thing (unless he actually IS confusing you for a slip n’ slide)! He doesn’t have any? Awww … how cute! He probably wants to hold doors open for you, too. Conquer him, make him call you mommy and you’ll have your very own man servant on those nights when you just don’t feel like getting new batteries for St. Nick (name your dildos, it’s more exciting).
2. Drinks
A lot of girls use this as a road map to find out if a man is worth his weight in salt. I find this method to be a waste of my goddamn time. If you’re going to a bar to get laid, find the man you’re looking for and attack. You want sexual empowerment? You need to think with your “dick,” buy the man you want a drink and own him. If he turns you down, he looks like a pussy in front of his friends and then they all want you. All of them. ALL. OF. THEM. 3. Sand
DO NOT BANG A GUY ON THE BEACH. You might as well hang an “Out of Order” sign on your hooch. She’s going to be pissed at you for quite awhile. What’s on a beach? Sand. Sand gets everywhere. Lube will not save you, it will only trick you. Then you will spend the rest of your week convincing everyone you’re just saddle sore from herding cattle.
4. Multiple Men
I draw the line at two, because after two, it becomes a bad ’70s porno flick. Honestly, when there are three, sex becomes a bikram yoga workout. Sure, it sounded great when you heard about it from a friend, but once it starts happening, you get bored, exhausted, and want to get the hell out of there. Spit roasting is wonderful, anything more than that and you’re back to the herding cattle excuse.
5. Ex-Husband’s Best Friends
They are the perfect revenge and they have wanted you for years. They come with twice the enthusiasm, three times the thrill and none of the drama. They are my Coke Zero of cock. Try one — you’ll never go back to a bar.
