Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of October 3, 2011

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  Things don’t happen when you want them to, but when they need to happen. So calm the fuck down: the liquor sale at the warehouse is sure to happen soon.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  Make sure you don’t oversimplify this week: sometimes there are a complex set of choices that you’ve got to work through one at a time. I’m sure that female condom has an instructional booklet somewhere.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  You’ve been caught up in a lot of small stuff lately, but this week brings a reminder of what you really came here for: the free donuts.

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Recently, you’ve been feeling more motivated by fear than inspiration. Time to nut up and make a change. You just ate some bad shrooms, now get out of the closet and put on some clean underwear. There you go.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Thanks to a lifetime of experiences, you’re not the same person you used to be. The main difference being, you have picked up many skills and a couple of misdemeanor charges.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  Some dreams you just shouldn’t follow. Choose wisely when you enact a fantasy this week … that dude who’s into choking might actually be into killing people.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  This week, an important conversation needs to happen: once it does, a healthy mutual respect will occur. But not until you both agree on who is wearing the maid costume.

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You need a break from the stress this week. Ask your bondage partner to lay off a little.

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Mars is back in Leo, and it’s been a few years, but dag if the influence of this planet doesn’t get you going. I know how that is. Once you go Mars, you don’t go back.