Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: A tense situation will finally come to a head this week when you finally discover who has been stealing your Lean Cuisines from the office freezer. Weirdly enough, you will find it has been you all along, as you’ve been blacking out during lunch and eating in personality of Tyler Durden.
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: You feel like you’re surrounded by wild beasts in the wilderness, waiting to pounce. This is not so much a metaphor for life’s ups and downs as it is an acid flashback. But just like life’s ups and downs, it will pass with time. Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: You know the saying, “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours”? This week, you can expect someone to return a favor you paid a long while back. And I think we both know I mean a sexual favor. Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]: Some things are best left to nature this week, so let things run their natural course. Except for armpit hair… unless you’re intentionally trying to kill some boners. Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Your desire for independence is trumped by your need for support this week, so swallow your pride and get in on a foursome. You might enjoy one-on-one sex, but it’s best for everyone if you get a little help from your friends. Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: You’ve been blessed with a gift that comes naturally to you, but remember that not all are so lucky. Don’t take it for granted: respect, recognize and appreciate your ability to do drunk cartwheels. Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: While you may think you’re stuck in an impossible situation, there is really more flexibility than you might first have thought. Those hip opening exercises are really paying off: you’ll look like that sex diagram in no time. Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: Thinking about mortality is upsetting, but no one wants to live forever. Then you’d be Highlander, and would be constantly afraid of getting your head cut off with a broadsword. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Make sure to keep your eyes and ears open this week. Too often we only see what we want to see. That hot guy at the bar won’t look too good in your bed in the morning.
Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]: Articulate only what’s necessary this week. Seriously… no one needs to know about your bacterial vaginosis. TMI.
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