Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of April 25, 2011

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]:  Times are tough, Leo, and you know what they say: when the going gets tough, the tough take a weekend trip to VEGAS!  YEAH!!!

Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]:  Sometimes, things go wrong, but there’s no point in wondering why, you just gotta deal.  This is why I keep an extra pair of undies stashed in my glove compartment at all times.  Be prepared.

Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  You’ve got some drama that’s hard to cope with.  But anything can be digested if you cut it up into small enough pieces.  Anything.  I think we know what I’m talking about.  [Editor’s Note: We don’t know what she’s talking about.] 

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  There’s a problem that’s vexing you, Scorpio, but you’re smart enough to unravel it.   Unless you got gum in your hair.  That blows.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  This week, instead of fixing everyone else’s problems, take some time for you.  A nice long bubble bath and an underwater vibe always make the world seem like a better place.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  You’ve been avoiding a difficult conversation, but it’s time to nut up.  Sooner or later, he’s going to figure out that you’re not really an astronaut.  It might as well come from you.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Want to change something fundamental in your life?  You can.  Just remember, a sex change is really complicated to reverse.  Ask my cousin Harriet.

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Be careful what you wish for … you just might get it.  Though if you wish to fly and you get it, that would TOTALLY kick ass.  But then air traffic control will get pissed, and like, you’ll wake up drunk on people’s roofs, and the government will do science experiments on you, tent your house like in E.T. and spray you with shit.  So.  Be careful what you wish for.

Ophichus [?*&!]:  Seriously bro, nobody likes you.  You don’t even have a date range.  LAME.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  You’re super stressed because of all the shit you’ve taken on lately.  My advice?  Start small: go three-way before you go in for the whole orgy.  Not all of us are natural multi-taskers.

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