Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: You’re having trouble prioritizing, Leo, so this week, you’ve gotta tell me what you want, what you really really want. (And remember that a “zig-a-zig-ha” is not a real thing. I know … I was sad about that, too.)
Virgo [Aug. 23 – Sept. 22]: What’s gives, Virgo? You’re hot, then you’re cold, you’re yes, then you’re no … changing your mind like a girl changes clothes. (Though I’ve been wearing this shirt since last Tuesday, so … I guess that depends on the girl.)
Libra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]: Few people know Lady Gaga’s song “Just Dance” was written about me, but this week, this song is all you. How’d I get my shirt inside out indeed.
Photo Source: Brooks InternationalSagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]: Michael McDonald once told me, “what a fool believes he sees no wise man has the power to reason away.” In your case, this means those glasses you think look hipster-intellectual are actually killing every dude’s boner within 20 feet.
Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]: Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love. Or is it oxycodone? Man, they sure feel similar.
Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]: This week holds an unexpected and delightful surprise, Aquarius. So keep this in mind: if the dude looks like a lady, it doesn’t necessarily mean that his equipment isn’t still good to go.
Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]: If all you wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom, then you need to stop dating guys who want to put a ring on it. (MASHUP!)
Ophichus [?*&!]: [It appears Shirley felt this child’s drawing of scissors was appropriate for this horoscope…]
Photo Source: ArtLex.com
Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]: Looks like your sexual identity is in retrograde, Aries, ‘cause you kissed a girl. Not in the slutty Katy Perry way, but in the Lilith Fair Jill Sobule way, which, let’s face it, is way more confusing, ‘cause it’s in your living room with overcoats and stuff instead of after shots with Juan, who paid you both five bucks to make out. (Like I’d have TWO Katy Perry songs on my ‘pod anyway… gross.)
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I’ll have to let my boyfriend know that you say he looks like a lady. Also, the fact that his horrorscopes says he’s a Lady Gaga fan king of locks it in.
Shirley, stop calling me a lesbian! If I was one, I would proudly come out, not wait for Katy Perry songs to invoke my passions!