Your Sexual Resume: How Skills As A Lover Translate to the Workplace

References

If all your references happen to be former lovers, it doesn’t have to be a problem.  All they need is a little coaching before that phone call so they don’t accidently let drop, “And wow, you should see her naked.”  Cover these bases and you should be fine:

Making Contact:  Make sure you give the job you’re applying to your reference’s work phone.  (If he has a secretary, it’s even better.  It makes him sound busy and important!)  He’ll already be in business mode, so he’ll be less likely to speak of you in a more casual tone.  Also, the fact that he’s in an official position in an office brings a legitimacy to his reference, even if you didn’t actually work with him at that business.

Tweaking the Truth:  So you fucked a lawyer and he’s willing to do you a favor by being a reference so you don’t have to put down that demoralizing summer job at Dunkin Donuts.  What should he say you did?  Certainly not what you really did.  To avoid outright lying, suggest terms such as “freelance consultant” or “part-time assistant.”  You weren’t on payroll at his place of employment, you did some work for him on the side … and on your back.

Resume:

Next is the challenge of the CV.  It’s daunting, but not insurmountable.  We all know our skills in the bedroom, we just have to translate them into skills in the workplace.  (Hint: a blowjob is still a job.)

Give these a try:

You are known for your ability to put your leg over your head.  
Work translation: “I’m very flexible, and have the ability to adapt to whatever the situation may require.”

You are known for your sex marathons. 
Work translation: “I never stopped pulling all nighters since college. if I’m on a roll, there’s no stopping me.  Work doesn’t end at 5 p.m.”

You dirty-talk like a champ.
Work translation: “I’m an excellent communicator and have a way with words.”

You have flipped gay men before. 
Work translation: “I have the ability to work with all kinds of people outside of my customary social circle.  People generally find that I am able to connect to them.”

Your blowjobs are world-famous.
Work translation:  “I’m a diligent and hardworking employee who won’t rest until the job is done, and done right.  I settle for nothing but excellence, and am an overachiever by nature.”  (They say Ivy Leaguers love giving good BJs.)

Well, there you have it, kittens.  We’ve translated your sex goddess powers into work-friendly “special skills.”  You’re ready to rock any interview!  Just remember, it’s “I’m amenable to working the graveyard shift,” not “I’ve gone down during many a midnight premiere of Harry Potter.”

love, 

Katharine

*I’ve been sued for sexual harassment. Live and learn.

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