Miss Anthropic’s Reality Check
Dear Miss Anthropic,
My man is great in bed. The only problem I have with this is that he makes a weird screeching noise when he comes. How do I cope with this?
Noel, Agua Dulce, CA
Dear Banging A Banshee,
I would recommend earplugs or headphones, and practicing the art of NOT laughing uncontrollably when this happens. You might try replicating the sound when you climax so he gets a taste of his own medicine. If it is truly unbearable, try a ball gag or wet washcloth and tell him you are into bondage now.
Dear Miss Anthropic,
I have a very close relationship with my father. I date, but I can’t ever find anyone who will compare to my father. He is just so perfect, and I want a man just like him. Do you have any insight for me?
Tabitha, Spokane, WA
Dear Daddy Issues,
This is pretty creepy to me. I love my father too, but this seems like a little much. You are never going to find a man exactly like your father, and you shouldn’t be comparing men that you are going to have a sexual relationship with to your dad. The only two suggestions that I even have for you are either get extensive therapy, or move to someplace like Arkansas where it is acceptable to marry within your own bloodline. Ick!
Dear Miss Anthropic,
My best friend is always bugging me about coming to watch her 1-year-old daughter. I have no interest in babysitting as I am not a big fan of kids. How can I gracefully get her to stop asking me?
Alexis, Forth Worth, TX
Dear Misadventures in Babysitting,
I dislike children as much as the next person and despise it when people want you to watch their shitty kids. I have better things to do like go to happy hour and sleep. The best way to get out of watching your friend’s little brat is to constantly drop large items around her and mumble about how clumsy you are. Also, get a plant, do not water it, and mention how you can never manage to keep anything alive. This is sure to stop her requests for your childcare services.
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I had no idea that you hated the sounds I make during sex so much. I thought you thought they were hot. I’m really disappointed that you choose to communicate with Miss Anthropic instead of just telling me how you felt. Maybe I should’ve told you about how your horrible halitosis is the real reason I have trouble staying woody sometimes.