By Bosley Purrcivel Whiskerton, MEOWSA It is with a tremendous amount of courage that I, Bosley Purrcivel Whiskerton, President and Founder of MEOWSA: Society for the Advancement of Highly Intelligent Cats, write this letter petitioning all bi-peds to STOP THE CAT
HATE. As a community of ferociously bright felines, we felt it imperative to take matters into our own paws. You may have thought that humans could go this long without being held accountable for the atrocious ways in which you all, along with your “loyal” k9 conspirators, have misrepresented the feline species in popular media. But the members of MEOWSA are here to stand up, on hind legs, for the little cat. The cat that due to oppressive circumstances CANNOT hiss back.
The internet, humans, has been your weapon of choice in this battle against beings of the tail purrsuasion. We here at MEOWSA have compiled evidence proving the rampant inequality between cats and humans taking place around the world by way of both destructive, captioned photos and disparaging videos across the web. We will not take this lying down! Even while we nap, we shall work toward ending cat internet discrimination!
The following outlines how humans and their sympathizers have ruined cats’ reputation. NOTE the following awful misrepresentations:
EXHIBIT A: MARU
Perhaps the most famous cat on the internet, Maru is on par with the Lady Gaga of your human society because of his fame. Unfortunately though, that’s where the resemblance ends. Not one human looks at Maru and thinks “genius,” instead they point and laugh as he obsessively jumps into box after box after box. How symbolic — putting cats in boxes, sound familiar humans? Yes, to the untrained, ignorant human eye this may look like just a “silly kitty that likes boxes,” but those in the cat community know that Maru has a very serious problem.
OCCD: Obsessive Compulsive Cat Disorder. One in 20 felines you know may suffer from this disorder. Most of these cats are dealing with debilitating anxiety and repeat nervous rituals to help ease that anxiety. We here at MEOWSA believe that Maru’s human may be at the root of his obsession. But instead of helping Maru, his greedy human only makes video after video encouraging this behavior instead of getting Maru the help he desperately needs! Point and laugh all you want, but laughing at a cat’s shortcomings is sick. For shaaaaame!
EXHIBIT B: LOLCATS
By now you may have noticed that I’ve yet to use words like “iz” in place of “is” or “dizcrminynazion” in place of “discrimination” in my writing. This is because I’m a native Human English speaker and have a PhD in Comparative Studies in Cat and Human Relations. Yes, I’m educated and fluent in your language. Guess what? Most of us are! Why is it that to amuse yourselves you must poke fun at those cats new to this country who are barely learning the language? You xenophobic monsters! Have a heart.
Or how about the cats among us who haven’t had an equal education because of their human oppressor’s incessant need to communicate with them in cutesy wootsey “cat language”? Some cats were raised in environments where the language spoken was LOLcatspeak. How are they at fault?
Quit denying us the right to an equal education! We enjoy Faulkner as much as the next guy.
EXHIBIT C: DEMON CAT
[sz-youtube url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpKtvmAYhMQ” /]
EXHIBIT D: OMG CAT
[sz-youtube url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_S5cXbXe-4″ /]
EXHIBIT E: CATS ARE THE 1%
[sz-youtube url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XreDh9ZjaDE” /]
And now, to make matters worse, we’re being blamed for the downfall of America’s economy and the rise of the class divide??? Look, enough’s enough! We’ve warned American humans about this impending class war for years, and were conveniently ignored all along the way. Do you actually think we like to eat THAT much Fancy Feast? Sure, they may call it “fancy,” but this cat food is the equivalent of a Big Mac and fries at McDonald’s. If anything, our community is suffering from painful obesity issues. We’ve seen cat after “fat” cat, but it’s not dough they’re rolling in. They are fat because of this disgusting Fancy Feast that you humans feed them daily. I personally prefer a nice piece of salmon with a side of broccoli. We are NOT the 1%. We are the disenfranchised. Perhaps we should occupy a thing or two.
All in all, I point out these examples to show that such horrid stereotyping will only lead to the worst of cat misrepresentation, and videos like this one:
[sz-youtube url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpl5mOAXNl4″ /]Leave this cat alone! Haven’t you cat paparrazo done enough? Mocking him on a very simple, laid back day in his life. You say “stupid,” but we’d ask, who’s more stupid? The cat enjoying his day or the human following his every move with a camera, editing the video to silly music and then narrating the video with a disgusting impersonation of a cat voice and then posting it to the internet? Learn to rhyme, a**&%@! It is for all of the above reasons, that we the cats of MEOWSA ask for your signature petitioning the overlords of the internet, particularly YouTube, to end this type of discrimination once and for all! Please sign the petition in the comments below. Haven’t you done enough?
“CATS DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.
MEH.”
Loved that. So great.
Damn spoiled cats.