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True Grit – 4 Big Os |
Chock-full of old school manly sex appeal – rarrrl. Plus, Matt Damon’s handing out spankings? Sign me up! I’d totes give him a moustache ride.
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The Fighter – 5 Big Os |
Christian Bale AND Marky Mark? Yes, please. Plus, is there anything quite as titillating as a solid left hook, adrenaline coursing through your veins, the blood and sweat whipping from your hair as the centripetal force flings you to the side? No. Five Big Os.
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Black Swan – 4 Big Os |
This movie reminds me a lot of my college days, especially the nightclub and lesbian elements. It gets four out of five Os, but only because we didn’t get to see enough of the French director character’s junk. Total cock tease.
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Toy Story 3 – 1 Big O |
Deeply disappointed, yet again, in Pixar’s failure to create anatomically correct action figures. And, seriously, with characters named “Buzz” and “Woody,” what kind of “TOY story” would you expect? This being the third installment, with more “adult” themes, they should’ve come through. But, no, it was a major letdown.
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The Kin g’s Speech – 3 Big Os |
This is the inspiring tale of one man’s quest, in the age of fascism, to become a cunning linguist. I think we can all get behind that. Three Os.
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The Kids Are All Right – 4 Big Os |
The kids are all right and so is Mark Ruffalo. Is anyone surprised that he was a spatula? I’d flip for him, especially if my lesbo-bride were Annette Bening – gah. But for reals: him + me + Julianne Moore = Four Os.
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Inception – 2 Big Os |
This movie was way confusing, and despite the number of fuckable faces in it, there was precious little use of them for why they were created. I mean, have you SEEN Tom Hardy’s mouth? It is a seat fit for a queen. And for those lips alone, this film gave me two Os.
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Winter’s Bone – 1 Big O |
When I saw the title of this movie I was excited. I mean, really excited. But then I found it to be all winter, no bone. Boo. One O.
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The Social Network – 5 Big Os |
Mark Zuckerberg, if you looked like Jesse Eisenberg, I’d have my hands tangled up in that jewfro in no time. Though in real life, I’d still play connect the dots with your freckles. Five Os … call me?
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127 Hours – 3 Big Os |
The only way I’d spend 127 hours with James Franco is if we were holed up in a hotel room. And the only extremity he’d be getting stuck in a crevice would be … Oh, nevermind. Three Os.
Lastly, for the cultured, my two cents on what I believe was truly Best Foreign Picture.
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Biutiful – 5 Big Os |
You can spell it any way you want, Javier, so long as it’s got your hot piece of ass in it. Five Os.
****
