It’s been six months, and you’re just not going to get a job. Your degree in Bio-Calligraphy is pretty much worthless now. You actually stood in line to interview for a job with an insurance company that verifies that people aren’t faking injuries by poking them with an aluminum pole hooked up to a car battery, but you lost out to a kid who just graduated from Evergreen Online College.The disconnecting of your cable, utilities and cell phone has brought a kind of bliss to your home. Rather than stifling your fears and screaming into the laundry basket in the trunk of your car, you’ve decided that this is not a wasteland where you have no sense of self or identity. No. Fuck no. This is going to be your time to shine in a brave new world.
Here’s what you’re going to do:
1. Invite people over. Now you have plenty of people to hang out with because most of your friends don’t have jobs either.
2. Invent the Ramen Volcano. What people don’t eat, you can use as a heat source as Ramen is pretty much flammable when it stiffens.
3. Prank call American Express.
4. Make your own vodka. All you need is some grass, a potato, a tube sock, a colander, a garden hose and a flattened wheat bagel.
5. Drunk on homemade vodka, take your friends on their very first trip to the roughest parts of the city via bus. Upon returning to your apartment, have your friends draw the scariest moment of the tour from their memories. It’s also a great way to look for future housing.
6. Charades Roulette. The losing team gets shot in the face with wilted cucumbers from a salad shooter.
7. Invent a new Cirque show using your 4′ x 7′ balcony.
8. Crying Game. See who has the most interesting facial expression, while exposing their darkest inner fears.
9. Sex Heckling. The couple who has the most awkward sex gets shot in the face with wilted cucumbers from a salad shooter.
10. Start a new religion in a broken-down Prius.
You don’t have to take our suggestions, we encourage you to make up your own hosting games; be the architect of your own universe, as it were. Because being unemployed doesn’t have to be a miserable and depressing experience, this special time in your life can be marked with memories and many small scars.
