Leave that namby-pamby medical guidance to Dr. Drew. The Sprague-ster’s all business!
And to give casual viewers an idea of just how proficient and methodical Shelly is with doling out helpful contempt for her patients, Comediva got its hands on a copy of Shelly’s daily itinerary. Give her typical workday a read and realize that Shelly is largely responsible for making “Celebrity Rehab” the most effective method to cure addicts of substance abuse.*
7AM – 7:15AM: Wake patients with strident shouts, florescent light flicks, and threats of cutting screen time.
7:30AM – 7:45AM: Berate a projectile-vomiting Leif Garrett for not making it to the toilet in time and angrily hand him a mop.
8AM – 8:05AM: Begin group therapy by voicing concern over “Survivor” contestant Jessica Kiper’s alleged “celebrity” status.
8:05AM – 8:45AM: Randomly insert scoffs and exasperated sighs into group discussion regardless of speaker.
8:45AM – 9AM: Have Mackenzie Phillips detail her darkest life experiences and do best to one-up her.
Why’s everyone so MEAN?! It’s not like I shot somebo — oh.
10AM – 10:15AM: Halfheartedly curb Steven Adler’s ridicule of Amy Fisher, but giggle loud enough for her to hear.
10:30 – 11AM: Repeat “I know, I know” in monotone complacence as Janice Dickinson thrashes and wails from withdrawal.
12PM – 12:45PM: Lunch. Continually remark how tasty the tuna salad would be with an ice cold beer. (Be specific!)
12:45PM – 1PM: Distribute unlabeled medication and ask Tom Sizemore to straighten out any potential mix-up.
1PM – 2PM: Dr. Drew arrives on set. Nod, mimic facial expressions, and agree, agree, agree!
2PM – 4PM: Day trip to park. Mock Michael Lohan’s hopes to stay sober.
4PM – 4:30PM: Inform cameramen of touchiest patients and suggest provocation techniques.
4:30PM – 5PM: Sit in darkened room and quietly seethe.
You weak, pathetic fools! I’ve come for your souls!5PM – 5:30PM: Share laugh with producers while watching footage from Frankie Lons’ bedroom camera.
5:30PM – 6PM: Loosely define patients’ loved ones as addiction triggers and cut lines of communication.
6PM – 7PM: As patients have dinner, phone Judy Greer’s manager again regarding biopic screenplay.
7PM – 8PM: Ocular massage to combat strain from excessive eye rolling.
9PM – 11PM: Bone up on the nursing profession.
11PM – 11:05PM: Place ladder to roof just outside Bai Ling’s bedroom window.
*While being filmed for basic cable.
