It’s easy to sit there in a diaphanous, pastel skirt and say, “Oh, I love unicorns! They are so sparkly and pretty!” And then USE US for our magic and healing powers. It’s easy to pretend to be a friend of the NUA, set aside your one special day and throw a big parade of glitter, rainbows and unicorn love, but do you have any idea what day-to-day hardships we face? NO. YOU DO NOT!
We will no longer be forced to hide in the darkest corners of our enchanted forests. We will no longer hide our horns. Do you know that there are people who believe that we do not even exist? As shocking as it may seem in this day and age, it’s true. I’ve been called a “confused horse” more times than I care to think about. This is not a phase. I WAS BORN WITH SILVER BLOOD IN MY VEINS AND A HORN ON MY HEAD, BABY!
And speaking of hardships, do you have any idea how hard it to find a nice, young virgin for companionship? Or, even to find a mean, young virgin? Any virgins?!! Do you actually want to do something for unicorns? Start with THAT. Keep your lady parts to yourselves and come join us. Whores.
I can’t even remember the last time there was a chaste, young lady to French-braid my mane and frolic in the mist with me. In the middle ages, we had virginal companions galore. Women didn’t have any of the pesky responsibilities that they do now: no owning property, no hours of schoolwork and reading to distract them… ah, the good old days. A young woman had plenty of time to bathe in waterfalls with us, well, until a man paid her father to take her as a wife.
But I digress, yes, I am magical and amazing and no, you are not. Until you can embrace that fully, 365 days a year, we here at the NUA will have nothing to do with you.
In Superior Glittery Loathing,
Bluebell Skydancer
President, National Unicorn Association
Word around the farm is that Bluebell Skydancer likes to party with certain mares of the non-unicorn variety! SCANDAL!