I had the pleasure this week of interviewing some of Hollywood’s most famous unicorns from the 1980s. Here is a quick look into their life after fame.
First, a duel interview with Stardust and Aurora, the stars who played the unicorn couple in the 1985 film Legend, starring Tom Cruise and Mia Sara.
Amanda: So, I heard a rumor that the two of you were dating during filming.
Stardust: Yes, for a while.
Amanda: What happened?
Aurora: Honestly, this is embarrassing to say, but I had a brief affair with Tom Cruise.
Stardust: You always were a fame whore.
Aurora: Whoa! I didn’t date him because I needed fame. I’m more famous than he will ever be. [turns to Amanda] After the film, I started a modeling career for Lisa Frank.
Stardust: It destroyed me. Everywhere I went there were stickers and trapper keepers with her face plastered all over them.
Aurora: Don’t you dare blame me. I didn’t make you drink and you were good looking enough on your own. He was on a lot of album covers back in the day before he destroyed himself. Now he spends all of his time chasing virgins and drinking.
Amanda: [laughs] Well, I guess I’m safe. [silence] So, um, Aurora, what are you up to now?
Aurora: I just did an amazing music video with Ke$ha for her song, Blow. Have you seen it?
Amanda: Oh my god, with James Van Der Beek. Yes!
Stardust: She dressed in drag for it. [he snorts] They didn’t even bother to get real male unicorns.
Amanda: I think drag is kinda hot.
Aurora: Too bad you’re not a virgin.
Aaaaanyway, I won’t get into the personal details of the rest of the interview. Instead, let’s catch up with Moondancer, the amazing red and lavender haired My
Little Pony unicorn who is thought to have been one of the most gorgeous in the collection.
Amanda: Hello, Moondancer.
Moondancer: I go by “Crystal Princess” now.
Amanda: Erm … okay, “Crystal Princess,” I just wanted to talk a bit about your life and career since your height of stardom in 1983. You were one of the original My Little Pony unicorns and helped to start the unicorn craze for young girls everywhere. That must have been amazing.
Moondancer: It was. Everywhere I went little girls would scream. They all wanted to touch me and play with me, but it was a simpler time back then and I was naïve. I thought my fame would last, so I spent money on an amazing four-story waterfall with built-in caverns of pink mist. I had an entourage of fairies. Those were the days. Wild parties with Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Bright. We hit the glitter hard. Do you know Strawberry’s hair is scratch n’ sniff? Wild shit, man.
Amanda: What happened?
Moondancer: Well, my fans grew up and stopped believing. About 14 years after I hit my peak, they were all past puberty and the younger kids had new idols. Tomagotchis or something, I don’t know, the late 90s just didn’t have the magic, you know?
Amanda: And you are obviously all magic.
Moondancer: Of course. My waterfall was foreclosed on and I was just sleeping out in the mist. I’d developed a lifestyle that I couldn’t support… and a habit that I couldn’t support. Once you’ve sniffed Strawberry’s hair, there’s no going back.
Amanda: I read that you started working in an underground unicorn club. Is that true?
Moondancer: I don’t like talking about it. I had to do what I had to do to survive.
Amanda: But you did allow non-virgins to touch you?
Moondancer: [averts eyes] Among other things.
Amanda: Meaning that you also allowed them to–
Moondancer: Yes, I let them drink some of my blood. Unicorn blood has amazing healing properties, it was the only way I could keep them from going after my alicorn.
Amanda: Your horn?
Moondancer: Right. So, I let them drink the blood. I’ve still got scars. It was a dark decade.
Amanda: Would you mind clearing something up that I’ve always wondered?
Moondancer: It depends.
Amanda: Unicorn blood. I know it’s sensitive, is it silver or made of rainbows? I’ve heard both and have never actually seen it in person.
Moondancer: I’m not comfortable talking about it. I thought I was here to discuss my book, “Moondancer in the Mist.”
Amanda: Do you discuss blood in your book?
Moondancer: This interview is over.
****
I always knew Moondancer was saucy.