I bet that if Oprah were elected president, her presidential cabinet would look something this:
Vice President: Gayle King
Gayle already wields no real power, is Oprah’s second-hand woman, and takes over responsibilities when Oprah is not available (like being the Editor-At-Large for O Magazine). Now, with her new show, The Gayle King Show, Gayle’s even practicing taking over Oprah’s role should she die. Just like the VP of the U.S. when he serves as speaker of the house, whenever there’s a disagreement between Oprah and her audience, Gayle is always the one who breaks the tie.
Her first order of business as VP: Form “The Delicious Sandwich Task Force” to reboot the American Middle Class by serving them all gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch.
First Gentleman: Stedman Graham
Just like the First Lady, Stedman looks pretty, decides for himself what his roles and responsibilities are, never seems to be overshadowed by his powerful mate, but still wields incredible influence over his mate’s most important decisions.
His first order of business as First Gentleman: Go on Sesame Street and teach the children of America how to maintain a low profile while dating an international celebrity.
Secretary of State: Dr. Phil
After just one hour, Dr. Phil would make Palestine break down in tears and admit that her mother used to call her a “sheep’s ass” growing up. Israel would admit to having abandonment issues. Dr. Phil would tell them both to “get real.” This would prompt both Palestine and Israel to hold hands, look into each other’s disputed borders, and recognize that all they really wanted from each other was love.
His first order of business: Get to the bottom of Kim Jong-il’s inferiority complex.
Secretary of the Treasury: Suze Orman
If Suze were the Secretary of the Treasury during 2008’s market crash, she would have checked Wall Street’s FICO score, shook her finger at them, and said: “You DON’T get my approval!” Instead of giving the banks a huge Government Bailout, Suze would have given them a huge Government Guilt Trip.
Sure, she would make the American people hyperventilate on a daily basis, but after six months, the country would have a budget surplus instead of a budget deficit. Then, as a reward for the country’s fiscal responsibility, Suze would have the government send us all tax rebates in the form of leopard-print leather jackets, hair bleaching solution, and tanning salon gift certificates.
Her first order of business: Lower the national deficit by paying off the credit cards with the biggest balances first.
Secretary of Health: Dr. Oz
He would end up encouraging President Oprah to broadcast colonoscopies on CSPAN, severely grossing out the American public, while giving them an incredible education in the process.
His first order of business: Make “Universal Flossing” a government mandate.
Secretary of the Interior: Nate Berkus
He’d make sure that every National Park “rose up to meet you” when you visited them.
His first order of business: Collect a lock of hair from every citizen’s scalp and combine all of the strands to make wallpaper for the bathrooms at Mt. Rushmore — just to add that personal touch.
Attorney General: Carson Kressley
He’d do a huge make over of our legal system. After presenting the American people with a “Before and After” shot of the U.S. Constitution, Americans would gasp and feel so confident and sexy about their laws that they’d tear up every time they saw the Bill of Rights and say:
“It makes me feel beautiful again.”
His first order of business: Outlaw crocs.
Secretary of Defense: Eckhart Tolle
Of course, under an Oprah presidency there would be no war. Oprah would dissolve the U.S. Army and whenever anyone would threaten to attack us, she would just send Eckhart to meet the opposing force. Eckhart would be so “in the now” that the opposing country’s army would have no choice but to relax, become present, realize that they should detach from all “forms,” and then sit down for a cup of tea with Eckhart.
His first order of business: Sit on a park bench outside of the Pentagon and stare at a single leaf as it falls slowly from a tree.
Who would YOU imagine on Oprah’s hypothetical presidential cabinet?
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Oprah 2012!