Too bad we can’t play “Fantasy Presidential Cabinet” and draft the best players from “The Commander-in-Chief Hall of Fame,” right?
Oooor… can we?
Here’s what we think an “All-Star Presidential Cabinet” would probably look like:
President: Abraham Lincoln
This bold move would infuriate the South so much that they would secede from the Union, escalating what would later be called: “The Civil War, Part 2: Rupert Murdoch’s Media Empire Strikes Back.” The war would cost us more American lives than the first Civil War — but the upside would be that those cool, pointy 1860s-style mustaches would be back in fashion.
Second Order of Business: Get shot in the back of the head while attending a Broadway production of Hair.
Vice President: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
FDR’s solution to get out of our current funk?
Another World War. Oh yeahhhh…
FDR would figure that if WWII helped get us out of The Great Depression, why couldn’t WWIII get us out of The Great Recession?
When deciding which country to start a World War with, Roosevelt would search for a world leader who poses a real threat to the nation. Someone who is judgmental, authoritative, is quick to eliminate people he doesn’t like, is slowly taking over the world one nation at a time, and is a complete asshole.
The X-Factor’s Simon Cowell would be the only person who would fill the above criteria, so, President Roosevelt would decide to invade England.
To help persuade Congress to declare war on England, Roosevelt would say that, “The day America realized they were sick of British people telling them they suck at hitting high notes will be a day that will live in infamy.”
First Order of Business: Start a “Fireside Chat Room” on the White House’s website, with his first entry stating,”The only thing we have to fear is not fear itself, but a spin-off of Jersey Shore.”
Secretary of Defense: Harry S Truman
President Truman would have one policy, and one policy only, to deal with the rise of terrorism in the world:
Nukes.
That’s right. Papa nukes, mama nukes, baby nukes, nukes with monocles, and even nukes with nukes for hats. President Truman would even have a “Nuke ‘Em App” on his iPhone with a button that lets out a fart noise every time another terrorist organization goes up in smoke.
Only a year after Truman’s term as Secretary of Defense, there would be so little violence in the world that you would literally hear a pin drop.
Seriously. Because everyone would be dead by then.
First Order of Business: Encourage President Roosevelt to sign an executive order integrating the armed forces, finally allowing soldiers on “Team Edward” to serve openly next to soldiers on “Team Jacob.”
Secretary of State: Thomas Jefferson
In order to help win the “War on Drugs,” Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson would facilitate the purchase of the entire country of Mexico, and turn all Mexicans into slaves. Dubbed “The Luis-y-Ana Purchase,” the move would cause great scandal among American Citizens, who would say that the purchase flies in the face of decades of civil rights advances in America.
Jefferson would defend the purchase by asserting that Mexicans, like blacks, are an inferior race. Things would only get worse when TMZ reveals that Jefferson fathered six bi-racial babies with his Mexican housekeeper, Sally Hemings-Rodriguez.
First Order of Business: Reveal that his famous phrase, “All men are created equal,” was meant to pertain to all Americans — except for women, homosexuals, people who don’t own land, and anyone who wasn’t white, of course.
