5 Ways to Tell If You’re Still a Lesbian After College

College is a field for exploration and learning of all kinds — including sex! For some, a romp with a few gals seemed like just a “phase” (we believe you), but for others this phase may be the first step toward running out of the closet. For those who are not sure, here’s a friendly guide toward embracing the lesbian inside!

For many, ditching the nest means seeking out answers to new and complicated questions all on their lonesome for the first time. And this newfound independence leads to such activities as sleeping through class, carrying the weight of overly generous meal plans on your hips, and frolicking through the wondrous world of sex. So what do we do when overwhelmed with all of this new land begging to be roamed? In moments of social anxiety, especially, we turn to two new mentors: alcohol and literature/feminist studies professors.The result of which — as my eldest sister informed me just seconds before I decided it was okay to Come Out to her — is what some call “sexual freedom,” and what Tila Tequila calls “a [half a] day’s work” : lesbianism.

But what’s the difference between lesbianism-lesbianism and gay-til-graduation?

For those of us who’ve known we were gay since the womb (or, at least, since that time in pre-school when a smile from the prettiest girl in class made us nauseous), the heteroflexible (that is, bi-curious) chicks we met and fell in love with were on our shit-lists. (To this day, I mourn the fact that flannel no longer means “lesbian,” but “Haha. Fooled you!”)

But are the bi-curious really to blame? Surely they’ve (you’ve, perhaps) struggled with all sorts of confusion, and don’t merit any kind of bi-furious grudge-holding. After all, who’s to say you didn’t have fun during those L Word marathons and PETA rallies?

And now that you’ve graduated, and are no longer surrounded by things like OutLists and feminist student orgs, all of that confusion must be bubbling up again. Is it? Could it be? Something Dyke-éd this way comes?

So, to help you ladies out, here’s how you can tell if you’re STILL a lesbian:

1. Ryan Gosleazy

No amount of body oil on a naked Ryan Gosling will make you faint, unless it’s too heavily scented. That scene in Crazy Stupid Love where Emma Stone (swoon) goes all gaga for his shiny abs? Nothing doing.

2. PENIS!

Things like The Penis Game and penis jokes in general are still doubly funny — despite your degree from an accredited university — because, well, they’re ironic. And that appreciation for irony probably means you’re also a hipster, and, I mean, what hipster chick isn’t at least a little lesbian these days?

3. Sacrifices Made for Pussy

And by “pussy” I actually mean “cat” (though, if you took it the other way, that’s also a pretty good indicator of lesbianism). No matter how deathly allergic you are to felines, you can’t help but spout love for them on the daily, and petting them every chance you get (slut).

4. Pussy Appreciation

Redundant? Nope, because this time I actually mean “vagina.” You know and love your ladybits, dearly, and you know your way around one. While your dude-friends and straight girlfriends are weirded out by any reference to the beave, you revel in all that is yonic sonic.

5. You’re a lesbian.

You dig chicks. I mean. Is there any other way to say this? You live your life snatchtastic; only ladies get a free pass downtown; boobs aren’t just for friendship-bonding.