If women are from Venus and unicorns are from Ganymede, how can the two ever communicate? Don’t fret, funny lady, we will guide you toward better communication with your unicorn.
Ever found yourself constantly bickering with a unicorn? Find yourself always wondering why your evil sorority sister has perfect unicorns fawning all over her? Maybe unicorns aren’t your thing. Or maybe they are, but you constantly find yourself wondering why you and your unicorn are never on the same page. Relax! There’s nothing wrong with you. Women are genetically wired and socialized differently than unicorns; in fact, most unicorns are not socialized at all. I’m going to give you the top 5 rules I live by that have helped me maintain a healthy relationship with my Unicorn.
1. Learn to embrace SPACE.
I know you’re not an astronaut, I’m talking about your unicorn — give your unicorn space. There are times when your unicorn will simply need time to be a unicorn. Let it frolic on its own for a while, give it a night off to go out with all of its unicorn buddies, and give yourself a chance to prove that you’re not one of those girls who needs a unicorn around at all times.
2. It’s not always about YOU.
It’s easy for the modern girl to get wrapped up in her own daily life. When you go from that important company presentation to the big promotion party for your best friend (of whom you’re secretly jealous), you don’t think about the fact that unicorns are historical creatures and unfamiliar with today’s modern world. So quit wondering whether or not life in your mid-20s is taking a toll on your midsection and treat your unicorn out to a romantic dinner at The Stinking Rose or surprise it with a bouquet of carrots.
3. Say THANK YOU.
As a woman, I understand that it’s nice to receive a pair of expensive earrings or a bottle of Jennifer Aniston’s latest perfume, but as odd as it may seem, a unicorn may not even know where to find that stuff! So the next time your unicorn shows up with a magic horseshoe, accept the gift gracefully like a true lady and invite your unicorn in for a bowl of water.
4. Show a little COMPASSION.
Women aren’t the only ones who are sensitive. Unicorns have been fighting evil and dragons for centuries. How would you feel if you had a horn on your forehead that was up to a half-meter long? You probably wouldn’t be so reckless in that Prius. So the next time your unicorn is feeling down, show a little compassion. Paint your unicorn a picture of a rainbow or put on a classic movie like The Last Unicorn.
5. Stop trying to CHANGE your Unicorn.
Stop forcing your unicorn to wear clothes, do not try and brand your name into your unicorn’s behind, and no matter how hard you try, a unicorn will never learn to speak (they lack the linguistic vocal anatomy required to create specific phonemes that are used in human languages). If you love your unicorn, you must love it for what it is — otherwise your Unicorn will become insecure.
I don’t know much about Unicorns, but I do know I’m a Cunt Dragon; and she’s been known to eat unicorns for breakfast. LOL
I don’t know if I agree with this. My Unicorn likes to wear clothes and actually asked to be branded. I will maybe stop my order of Rosetta Stone for him however…
No I KNOW! I’ve watched so many movies about perfect Unicorns and I developed this distorted perception of them. But the truth is, they’ll never be able to talk so … I guess I’ll have to just use a therapist for that or something ….
Thank you so much for the linguistic reality check! I’ve been trying to teach my unicorn, Stardreams, to say my name for 11 years now! Now that I understand that he lacks the anatomical competency, I’ll stop blaming myself. Thank you, Kosha, and thank you, Comediva, for bringing Unicorn Day the attention it deserves!