How can you not ADORE that little face!Who are we? We are the undead who speak for those who have no voice, besides awkward moans. After the outbreak of a virus (that the living population created), we now make up a sizeable portion of the global population. Despite our numbers, we are still systematically targeted for violent discrimination more than any other race, creed or entity — alive or dead. The following are five formal complaints against human bigotry towards the Zombie People:
1. End Zombie Genocide
There is a genocide taking place, yet the human opinion is that this should be praised and celebrated, with such new holidays as Not Dead Pride Day and Yom Killur Zombie. Some say, “How can it be a genocide if they’re already dead?” It’s slander like this that only worsens the problem we zombies face.
Every day, scores of our zombie brethren are shamelessly slaughtered with firearms, and school buses retrofitted with rickety chainsaws. Even axes, samurai swords, paddles and crowbars are used against us. Although the “Melee Weapon Manufacturing Plant Boom of 2012” pulled the world out of a new depression, the humans have been hit the hardest in friendly-fire deaths, as they frequently misjudge grunge, homeless, occupy protesters, and stumbling-drunk humans as zombies. Even with the Zombie/Human Accords, where we Zombies agreed to only eat the brains of roadkill or “Glee” fans, we are continually defamed as soulless human eaters, which brings us to our next point:
2. Media Protrayal of Zombies
The mainstream media’s portrayal of the Zombie People in television, cinema and video games is blatantly anti-deadmetic. We are insulted that Call of Duty likened us to Nazis in its “Nazi Zombie” game mode. For more than 7 generations of consoles, the video game industry has vilified us. And cinema is no different. Movies such as Zombieland, 28 Days Later, Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead categorize us as savage beasts; ironically, however, audiences applaud when the equally savage human characters gun down and maim zombie characters. Also, Zombie Americans who want to pursue a career in acting are instantly typecast and almost always given extreme background gigs, or, you guessed it, low-paying roles as zombies. To add insult to injury, SAG has officially refused to represent Zombie actors, leading to the majority of zombie roles now going to human actors.
3. MLK Loved Zombies
Martin Luther King, Jr. said to not judge by the color (or lack) of skin, but by the content of one’s character. Yes, our people have committed atrocities as well, such as the Knotts Scary Farm/Six Flags Fright Fest Massacres, where rogue zombies, who were confused with costumed employees, attacked and ate dozens of human thrill seekers. But to judge our entire population on the actions of a few is not only counterproductive, but damages the fragile relations between our peoples.
4. Zombie Marriage
The zombie population faces discrimination, as well as ruthless violence. Zombies are not allowed to marry because the phrase “between a man and woman” was defined as “a living” man and woman. Many times during our only recognized holiday, Dia De Los Muertos, we are picketed by Westboro Church members displaying signs of hatred, such as “God Hates Zombies” and “GO BACK TO THE GRAVE, NECRO.”
5. Abolish Human/Undead Segregation
We, the Zombie population, are calling for the abolition of human/undead segregation. Since the outbreak, the Jim Crow laws have been reinstated for the zombie population, forcing unfair segregation in schools, morgues, and public transportation. Instead of being praised for his courage, a zombie who stood up for himself, refusing to give up his seat and move to the back of the bus for a human, was beheaded by the bus goers and repeatedly run over by the bus driver. This was later aired on primetime television and since then has become a Youtube viral sensation. The video of this brutal attack, set to a songify-this auto-tuned theme of thriller, has garnished over 10 million views (AND ZERO DISLIKES)!
