All we can say is THANK GOODNESS. Now our boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and sons won’t have to suffer through such awful, overbearingly feminine scents like Autumn Leaves or Napa Valley Sun or God forbid, Clean Cotton. Instead they can enjoy totally real Yankee Candle manly options like Riding Mower, 2X4, First Down, or Man Town, whose descriptions promise the smeller will “escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk.”
Mmmm. Musk.
Since Yankee Candle is now moving into specified niches for customers here are a couple of other equally compelling groups of consumers we think they should try out:
Tween Girls
Much in the same way that men would love to wake up to the fresh scent of 2X4, pre-teen and younger teenage girls are much more likely to buy candles which cater to their weirdly hormonal and hyper-feminine needs. These girls aren’t going to settle for any regular flowery or fruity candle; instead, they’ll want something that, like, really speaks to them in this really, like, hard time they’re, like, going through. And what teeny-bopper wouldn’t buy scents like Glitter Pink Frilly Vanilla Cupcake Sprinkle Love Yummyness, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, or Justin Bieber’s Armpit? Because that’s what all tween girls want!
Geeks
You know how all men always want to go out and play some football, or roughhouse, or do just about anything besides help around the house (oh, guys!)? Well, it’s also common knowledge that all nerds are pale, freckled, teenage boys who love to crunch numbers day in and day out, play video games alone in their basements, and polish their overly-large glasses. Now, they can do all those nerdy activities to the fresh scents of New Physics Textbook, SPF 250, and the self-delusional option of Passion Flower Date Night with Hot French Teacher.
Working Women
Careers, boyfriends, families – you “career” women are trying to have it all! And after a long hard day at the office and a longer, harder time in the kitchen and then that after-hours work conference call and then the laundry and shoot you forgot it was Charlie’s swim lesson today so you’ll have to call to reschedule a makeup for Tuesday – well wouldn’t you like to kick off those impossibly high heels, sit back, and unwind to some sweet relaxation? Then try these exciting new scents like Biological Clock, Homemade Meal by Husband, and Nanny Guilt!
Slutty College Girls
After they’ve left the Tween Girl phase and before they hit the Working Women era, they’re Slutty College Girls, and boy do they buy candles (even though the dorm rules specifically state they can’t light them indoors). So, Yankee Candle should consider a line aimed at these classes-hating, 40s-chugging, sexy kitten costume-wearing, sexually-experimenting college girls. Scents could include Frat Party Hangover, Math is Hard, and I Hate My Parents.
The Liberal Elite
Granola-crunching, gay-marrying, tree-hugging socialists probably won’t partake in the capitalist venture that is Yankee Candle, but even progressives sometimes like fancy smells too. If they feel like it, then, they can purchase appropriate jars of Hellfire and Brimstone, Working Class Tears, and Hollywood and Media Elite Master Plan to Destroy Ameri — um. Nevermind.
Hipsters
Hipsters were buying candles before they ever got popular — in fact, before Yankee Candle was even founded. And the candles they’re purchasing from a limited selection are just as unique as each and everyone one of them is. Hipsters can now strum their ukuleles or listen to The Arctic Monkeys to the fragrances of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Vegan Bacon Cheeseburger, or Dry Irony.
Gay Men
Gay men would never buy Yankee Candle’s man candles, and anyway, they’re not First Down’s key demographic, right? Because obviously gay men who play football are like white after Labor Day — shouldn’t and doesn’t happen. Therefore, those who have more of a fabulous side could purchase a scent from Yankee Candle’s Flaming Candle Collection. The line includes Liza’s Perfume, Shirtless Ryan Gosling, and Civil Union, which smells exactly like its heterosexual counterpart, Marriage, but is just a little different.
Americans
America! Heck yeah! We love our country and, darn it, we’re not ashamed to say it. In fact, we love our country so much that we want to go out and buy candles to prove our eternal patriotism, like a big old wedding ring to America. We want to purchase candles in pro-USofA scents like Stars and Stripes or Let Freedom Ring. Wait, patriot, you say you’d actually like to buy those candles? Well go right ahead to Yankee Candle’s website and pick yourself up a jar of God Bless America, because all three are for sale right now. And while you’re there, please pick me up a large jar of First Down because, dammit, I like football too.
