Ah, the holidays. The scourge of social obligation. The agony of family ties. The unceasing hellscape of light conversation. As if the weeks of preparation leading up to the occasion weren’t stressful or soul-crushing enough, your final victory is a seven-hour discussion on Great Aunt Zelda’s canasta league and the storied origins of a chafing dish.
Can you see the hate in my eyes?
And just think, if your husband or boyfriend also has extended family, you get to do it twice!
But, as they say, at least there’s booze.
However, rather than succumbing to the tried-and-true coping mechanism of getting obliterated minutes into the visit, turn the torturous idiosyncrasies of his judgmental bloodline into a game. If you spot any of the following scenarios during your stay, you must consume the corresponding drink(s).
Who says you can’t have fun while numbing your psyche?
Note: Comediva isn’t responsible for any injury, property damage, or matricide that may result from overnight stays.
Heated argument with your man before you even arrive: One drink.
Family member immediately notes your tardiness: One drink.
Detailed accounts of all the family get-togethers you two have missed: Two drinks.
Half-hearted question about your day job: One shot.
Quarter-hearted question about your night job: Two shots.
Offense taken to your presence in the kitchen: One glass of red.
Offense taken to your absence in the kitchen: One glass of white.
Spotting the ancestor responsible for the bump in your man’s nose: One hard cider.
Getting chastised for mistaking a decorative coaster as a coaster for guests: One boilermaker.
Bathroom accented with nauseating potpourri: One Sambuca.
Talking baby commercial spawns a discussion about your lack of children: One Bloody Mary.
Comprehensive description of an America’s Got Talent act: One Budweiser.
Duration between the call to the dinner table and actual serving of food exceeds 30 minutes: One Wild Turkey.
Passive-aggressive passing of yams: One seasonal Sam Adams.
Uncle butchers an impression of…
Dean Martin: One Martini.
Charles Nelson Reilly: One Amaretto Sour.
Joe Friday: One Johnnie Walker Black.
Don Corleone: One sip of Anisette. (Pinkie out!)
“Who’s on First?” with Abbott and Costello’s lines transposed: One Manhattan.
Coerced second helpings: One lukewarm Guinness.
The dish you brought sits untouched: Finish your drink.
The dish you brought never makes it to the table: Finish your guy’s drink.
The dish you brought is found later in the trash: Finish the drink of the person to your left.
Any barely off-color remark punctuated by awkward silence: Pour the remainder of your drink into the glass of the person to your right.
Someone compliments your weight by mentioning how fat you used to be: Eight glasses of water.
Like clockwork, each family member trots out the same “I don’t know if I have any more room for dessert!” remarks word-for-word from previous occasions that not only are you able to recite the lines along with them, you begin to wonder if they concocted a game of their own to see how long it takes for you to notice that, at every dinner, they’re making the same comments, having the same conversations, and retelling the same anecdotes: One Absinthe.
Churlish comment about how much you drank this evening: 30-second keg stand.
In my day, young ladies just didn’t pierce their clitoris!
