But that won’t keep Regis down! The “Hardest Working Man in Show Business” (he holds the Guinness World Record for having the most time in front of a camera, ever) is looking for a new job.
However, with the final days of what shall henceforth be known as ‘The Philbin Era’ rapidly approaching, the question remains: Who will replace him?
After scouring the ‘nets, here are 5 choices sure to liven up Live!:
1) Live with Kelly and… Brett Ratner?
Who better than a high-profile director to take over for Reeg? Not only will he be sure to score some big-name guests (“Hello, Mr. Murphy, could you come and be pretentious and unfunny on my new show? No, not the Oscars again.”), but he can fill hours of air time with fake stories about how he “banged” Olivia Munn and other attractive women who remind him of the girls who ignored him in high school. Plus, he doesn’t even need to rehearse! As he so stupidly put it, “Rehearsal is for fags.” In that case, his ultra-macho façade and lies about “banging” starlets would seem to suggest that he’s done his share of “rehearsing.”
2) Live with Kelly and… Kris Humphries?
After being chewed up and spit out by the Kardashians, the NBA star finds himself without a team … or a wife. What better “F**k you” to the big-butted harlot who publicly dumped him than to score a nationally syndicated talk show? Who is looking forward to seeing the big, dumb jock ask Katie Holmes about life with Tom or chat with Tony Bennett about his new album? Who isn’t?! Plus, bonus! The 6’9″ Humphries would look hilarious next to the 5’3″ Kelly Ripa.
3) Live with Kelly and… Kroy Biermann & Joe Gorga?
Sticking with the athlete/reality show theme, Kroy Biermann is both a defensive end for the Atlanta Falcons NFL team, and the dopey baby-daddy and newly-trapped husband of Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s Kim Zolciak. Not only would he inject some hip, Bravo cred to the half-dead viewers, he’d do it all with a vacant stare and a slack-mouthed grin.
Due to Kroy’s silly name and general slowness, Kelly Ripa might need a little help keeping the show moving, so let’s pump in some Jersey ‘tude! Ladies and gentlemen, meet “Juicy” Joe Gorga, the brother of Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice. This walking, talking cliché has enough cheeseball energy to take down the entire cast of Jersey Shore!
4) Live with Kelly and… Joe Paterno?
Well, JoePa is in need of a new gig after ruining his legacy, his football program, and tarnishing the name of Penn State by covering up for his long-time friend Jerry Sandusky and enabling him to continue to sodomize pre-pubescent boys. So what better place than on stage next to Kelly Ripa! Transitioning between 80-year-old Regis and the 84-year-old Paterno would be a breeze, as the studio is surely fully stocked with Ensure. Plus, the guy knows how to keep a secret!
5) Live with Kelly and… Howard Stern?
Wait, you ask, doesn’t Howard Stern already have a wildly successful morning-time job? Yes, but Stern is currently suing his Sirius Satellite Radio bosses for not living up to their contract with him. Plus, the radio icon has always dreamed of an easy 1-hour TV hosting job like Philbin’s, instead of having to create 5 hours of daily content, like he has for the past 30 years. Stern is friendly with Regis, who lives in the same Upper West Side building, and was furious at ABC for forcing him out. Also, Kelly Ripa is a Stern super-fan, and would be overjoyed to work with the King of All Media. Imagine the old biddies and stay-at-home-moms clicking on the tube to enjoy their sweet early morning gabfest, but instead of the kindly Regis, they’re treated to an extremely tall, long-haired maestro of the bizarre, firing out rapid-fire questions to some vapid starlet: How much did you get paid for that movie? Isn’t that director a jerk? How’s your sex life? Would you make out with Kelly?
Ah, who are we kidding, it’ll probably end up being some squeaky-clean, SAFE choice, like maybe that nice Sheen boy…
