You know the bride
a) …from babysitting her when she was a kid.
b) …from Bible Study.
c) …from being best friends since elementary school.
d) …from raging frat parties.
Your wedding present is
a) …something old: a lace garter you actually used in the 70s.
b) …something new: baby booties you hope will be useful in nine months!!!
c) …something borrowed: the BFF half of the necklace you shared.
d) …something blue: a fatty dildo for the wedding night!
You don’t like the bridesmaids’ dresses because
a) …you already have like 30.
b) …they’re a little immodest, don’t you think?
c) …shouldn’t we be focusing on the bride right now?
d) …they totally cover up your killer gams.
For the bachelorette party, you
a) …are going to duck out early, it’s pretty late.
b) …avert your eyes and excuse yourself to the bathroom for an inordinately long time.
c) …are so focused on figuring out gratuity, you don’t notice the cock in your face.
d) …are the girl standing on the table, belting out a karaoke version of “Lady Marmalade” with the bride-to-be.
The song you’ll dance to at the wedding is
a) …”Another One Bites The Dust.” Hey, the bass line is sick.
b) …”Endless Love” — sigh!
c) …”Le Freak,” because you’ve been freaking out for daaays.
d) …”Bump n’ Grind.” Word.
You’ll be drinking
a) …White Wine Spritzers.
b) …oh, just cranberry juice for me, thanks.
c) …Champagne, of course! Toast!
d) …Red Bull and vodka.
Your favorite part of the wedding is
a) …seeing the bride walk down the aisle. What an elegant young lady she is.
b) …the kiss! Yaaay!
c) …the vows, where they both reveal how well they really know each other.
d) …the reception, dur.
If you got mostly “A,” you’re
The Old Maid! Age brings experience, and you’ve got plenty of it. While you’re not much of a rager when it comes to partying, and you’ve lost a little bit of the romance, you’re a great and loyal friend and a total necessity. You’ve seen it all, so you’re a perfect resource for perspective and advice.
If you got mostly “B,” you’re
The Innocent One! You’re a hopeless, helpless romantic, who’s dreamed of marrying Prince Charming since you were old enough to lift up your Barbie and Ken and make them kiss. You believe in true, chaste love, and the honeymoon is a mysterious and magical time for sacred babymaking. While you’re no fun at a bachelorette party, you’re really great for the bridal shower.
If you got mostly “C,” you’re
The Maid Of Honor! Today’s the day for you to step up to the plate and make your bestie’s wedding the best ever, so you’re under a mixture of incredible stress to organize, incredible emotional overload from nostalgia, and incredible physical exhaustion from the two. But she chose you because she loves you, and your best will certainly be enough. Now, go work on your toast!
If you got mostly “D,” you’re
The Slutty One! Every wedding needs you, the single gal who keeps living it up for the rest of the coupled-off folks. You’re a whole lot of fun, and a hugely important addition to the bachelorette party. Who else will buy all the penis-shaped paraphernalia? And, of course, when the male stripper gets too freaky with the bride, you can take over with the grinding. On the wedding day, save up the hijinks for well into the reception, once everyone’s too drunk to get scandalized.
****
Well, I got about halfway through before it became painfully obvious that I was gonna get The Slutty One. I guess I’m an open book. So what if I’m the only one who likes to make a wedding a party? That’s what it SHOULD be!
That’s great. I hovered between C & D – but the last time I was the Maid of Honor, I was also 8weeks prego, so it’s not totally fair. LOL.
Wow, I got the maid of honor. Totally didn’t see that one coming. What’s funny is I’ve never been a bridesmaid. Guess I’m part of that generation of ladies still getting their career on. 😉