“Time machine plus space ship, what does that mean?” Inquisitive Earthlings want to know. Why, we can send a mission to Mars manned by the best-qualified characters from history.
Of course, choosing the right team is tantamount to the success of the mission. Hitler, Napoleon, and Stalin need not apply.
After scouring textbooks, the History Channel, and Wikipedia, we’ve determined the best candidates for the mission!
Captain: Cleopatra
If you can rule Egypt, you can run a space mission. If you’re not afraid of asps, you’ve got nerves of steel. If you can juggle Caesar and Mark Antony, you can manage a space crew — no sweat.
First Officer: The Crocodile Hunter
Not only would the beloved Steve Irwin be adept at wrasslin’ space-crocs, his loveable demeanor would come in handy for taming and charming intelligent life.
Navigator: Sacajawea
Homegirl has been navigating since 1804. The first rule of space travel: If you don’t want to get lost in the stars, bring a Native American tracker. If the crew gets peckish, who better to skin and sauté an alien life form? Martian-jerky, anyone?
Ship’s Doctor: Dr. Seuss
Every mission needs a doctor. If Dr. Seuss can dream up Ooblecks, Zax, and Sneetches, unimaginable diseases, viruses, and Grickly Type-2 Gactuses won’t faze him. One fish, two fish, red fish, diseased-pustule-encrusted fish. Oh, the places you’ll go, indeed.
Engineer: Harry Houdini
Spaceflight is only half a step away from straight-up magic. Cue Houdini, magician extraordinaire, whose skills with prestidigitation and escapology are sure to get a rocket ship out of any tight situation, black holes notwithstanding.
Deputy Commander for Morale and Welfare/Cook: Elvis Presley
Fact: Nothing quells a space mutiny like Elvis crooning “Love Me Tender.” Elvis will also be in charge of manning the galley. Peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwiches provide the ideal protein-to-carb-to-delicious ratio for an extended space flight.
Weapons Officer: Annie Oakley
You never know what you’re going to find on Mars. Martians might be delightful creatures. They might be total jerks. They might be total jerks with laser guns. It never hurts to have a Wild West gunslinger around. Plus, you know what they always say, “Shoot first, perform an alien autopsy later.”
