the Farmer’s Market?
Way to go, feral cat I house-sat out of the kindness of my heart. I know you’re new to people, so it’s totally cool you pooped on my new $1,100 bed. Hope you find a forever home. In hell.
Way to go, Clairol Natural Instincts in Dark Auburn Brown. I thought your six-week intensive conditioner and new “gentle” formula would help prevent dryness and breakage. Instead my hair’s the exact same color and my ends feel like straw. From now on I’m buying Beyonce-advertised products only. She does tampons, right? Because pads feel like diapers.
Way to go, guy in Egypt who named his kid “Facebook.” Good thing no one in America is dumb enough to call their child that. Hold on, I’m getting a call from Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter Apple. My bad, it’s actually Sly Stallone’s son Sage Moonblood. Good luck with the revolution.
Way to go, Dress/Scarf lady at The Grove. I love the product you’re selling (A scarf and a dress? Someone help me pick up my brain!), but it’s too bad it only fits yogis and pre-teens. You know the average woman in America is a size 14, right? Here’s another great idea: Pack up those overpriced rags you call “couture” and swallow your meals.
Way to go, Real Lemon brand lemon juice. Your delicious tang adds just enough sour to my bottled water to make that eight-glasses a day requirement palatable. Who cares about the slow erosion of tooth enamel caused by acidic contact, anyways? Dentists are just doctors who gave up.
Way to go, local office supply store. You still don’t carry the Bic 0.5 MM fine point pens I requested, but it’s no big deal. I’ll just keep on a writin’ with the fist full of markers you call the “Papermate 0.7 MM Gel Pen.” No biggie.
Way to go, Lauryn Hill in 2002. Critics said your MTV Unplugged Album was “unnecessarily didactic” and “unlistenable due to an obvious throat infection,” but we both know that shit was real. It made me cry and I’m made of rocks and super glue.
Way to go, Guy at Kinko’s. I appreciate you throwing away the extra copy of my screenplay you fucked up on instead of just giving it to me per store policy. Kinko’s is the only store in the world to offer copying services, right? Otherwise, your poor attitude and scatological practices would drive me into the arms of any one of several local competitors. Yeah, the trash was the best choice on that one.
Way to go, wine glass that cost six dollars. When I bought you to encourage me to enjoy life’s simple moments I had no idea you’d shatter into five pieces the second you got hit with an ice cube. One of the shards is lodged in my wrist right now, so I guess, in some ironic way, you did teach me to enjoy life’s simple moments. Life’s simple, final moments. Bury me with my sticker collection.
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