Isn’t it about time that Cthulhu, in his infinite power and glory, conquered Hollywood? Good news, Cthulhu-enthusiasts, the Elder God is a film studio exec now! He has horrible and genius plans for the silver screen: He’ll stop at nothing to star in remakes of some of the most beloved films of all time.
Cthulhu has commenced his Hollywood mission by taking over his favorite genre: The romantic comedy. After all, you can’t spell Lovecraft without L-O-V-E.
Balrog Jones’s Diary
It’s tough being a pudgy fire demon in love with womanizer Hugh Grant. Cthulhu affects a British accent and plays an adorably boring barrister who attempts to save Balrog from the clutches of the two-timing fop. Balrog thinks that Cthulhu is ghastly and dull whereas Hugh Grant is — well — Hugh Grant. Cthulhu knows that Balrog is best suited romantically for a monster such as himself… Who will win the lovelorn Valaraukar’s heart?
You’ve Got Tentacles
Meg Ryan reprises her role as quirky-cute small bookstore owner Kathleen Kelly. When thousands of cultists begin constructing a temple to Cthulhu right next to the bookshop, Kathleen knows her business is doomed. To make matters worse, she discovers that Cthulhu is her secret online boyfriend. Will Kathleen give up romance to save her shop or will she give in to the glorious Old One and utter Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn with the rest of ’em.
Never Been Kissed by an Alien Overlord
Drew Barrymore plays Josie, a scrappy journalist looking for her first big scoop. Cthulhu plays a loveable, passionate English teacher. When Josie goes undercover as a high school student, enrolling in Mr. Cthulhu’s class during Lovecraft Week, sparks fly as both try to deny their mutual attraction. Will Josie come clean about her identity? Will Cthulhu smite the entire school, including Josie, after he discovers his students plagiarizing their Dunwich Horror essays?
Forgetting Sarah Minotaur
Crushed after his breakup with Sarah Minotaur, a stunning half-human half-bovine model-actress, Cthulhu travels to Oahu in order to relax, regroup, and plan a world takeover. Cthulhu meets adorable hotel concierge Rachel; they hit it off immediately. Things are going well until Sarah Minotaur shows up, accompanied by rocker Russell Brand. To make matters worse, jealousy strikes when Cthulhu’s ex sees her former honey canoodling with a hot-to-trot mortal; she wants him back! Who will Cthulhu choose to take back to his labyrinth of love?
Sweet Home R’lyeh
In a gender-bending role, Cthulhu plays an alien bumpkin turned sassy New York socialite. Cthulhu doesn’t want anyone to know that “she” comes from “the nightmare corpse-city of R’lyeh.” When Cthulhu has to return to R’lyeh for some water demon family business, she questions her recent life choices. Will Cthulhu embrace her true self or will she continue to hide her tentacles under layers of Chanel and Dior?
Bonus! When Cthulhu Met Scylla
In a classic ‘opposites attract’ dynamic, Cthulhu is forced to go on a road trip to New York City with Scylla, the shrill, opinionated sea monster. Will the two rip off each other’s tentacles? Will they make passionate monster love? Or will Cthulhu and Scylla prove that monsters can be just friends?
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If you’re a Cthulhu fan, check out more Cthulhu-related items!
Cthulhu’s Presidential Cabinet
If only Cthulhu could spread his eminence to the entire rest of the genre, we might have sufficiently saved the population from not only a host of bad movies, but also from ignorance of the greatness Cthulhu.
I might even consider a secondary adaptation of Complacency of the Learned featuring the Elder God.
Ha ha! Awesome. I’d actually rather watch most of those than the original! 🙂
That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even love may rise…or something like that. ; )