While it would seem that pop culture is entertaining the idea of werewolf or zombie fiction as a replacement for vampire mania, those two trends have yet to catch on. What will be the next “big thing”?
In this scientific study of collective psychology, marketing, and teen angst, we’ve determined the top five fads likely to replace vampire fiction.
These five peculiar species exhibit the characteristics required to titillate the female psyche; they are paranormal, romantic, and a little bit dangerous.
One: Chupacabras
Chubacrabras are gritty, cursed, lonesome, and brooding. Their dependency on goat blood makes them vulnerable; they are bloodthirsty souls. What if a strapping young chupacabra fell in love with a starry-eyed teenage goat farmer? Conflict abounds.
HBO has ordered a six-episode run of True Goatblood. Hugh Grant will play the role of Goatbert Suckerton in his foray into the horror genre.
Two: Hobgoblins
Hobgoblins are underdogs, put upon by society, abused by civilization. In spite of this, these hairy little dark horses can charm their way onto the small screen, captivating audiences with a beauty-and-the-beast dynamic. Everyone loves seeing the downtrodden rise up against the establishment!
The Hobgoblin Diaries is already in production by The CW. Ian Somerhalder is slated to play the lead, trading in his fangs for a prosthetic nose and hirsute makeup effects.
Three: Leprechauns
Leprechauns walk a fine line between mischievous and dangerous. American teens will fall in love with the magical wee folk as they struggle to make it in America. It can be so hard to fit in! A big plus in their favor: Girls love sexy foreign accents. Leprechauns are perfect tiny little heartthrobs.
ABC is currently shooting Pretty Little Leprechauns. They’ve poached Glee’s Damian McGinty to play the lead. He will also sing the theme song.
Four: Poltergeists
Poltergeists are the quintessential bad boys. What if one of these evil spirits broke from the ghostly norm? Teen girls will love watching a brooding specter struggle with his dark side. Is it possible for a ghost to quit haunting and start dating?
The CW has begun preproduction for The Secret Circle of Poltergeists. Reps for the ghost of Jonathan Brandis say the specter is excited to get back into acting.
Five: Cockatrices
Cockatrices are the bastard children of Mother Nature and pure evil. They’re constantly caught in a struggle with their inner dualities, a most romantic and tragic emotional circumstance. A cockatrice might think to himself, “Am I a rooster or a dragon? Screw that! I want to be a man!” as he tears into the flesh of some unsuspecting victim. It’s the kind of struggle that audiences won’t be able to turn away from.
Sarah Michelle Gellar is in talks with Joss Whedon. Could we see Buffy the Cockatrice Slayer in 2013?
Bonus: Satyrs
The paranormal craze is even taking over sketch comedy! Check out Satyrday Night Live on NBC next fall!
