Underreported Celebrity Commencement Speeches

But you might’ve missed a few that went under the radar.

Lucky for you, Comediva has collected the best excerpts from celebrity commencement speeches that haven’t been getting that much attention:

Rick Santorum at The University of Notre Dame

“Congratulations! You’re all snobs now. Please come up on stage so I can hand you your diploma and then vomit all over you because higher education, like separation of church and state, makes me sick.”

Mel Gibson at Subway Sandwich Artist “College”

“Sons of Subway: I am Mel Gibson. Never, ever be a racist douchebag. At one point, I had two Academy Awards and was named the Sexiest Man Alive. But today I work at this Subway in Barstow, California. So always remember: it’s no longer the 1950s. Also, please remember to tell our customers that they may take our olives, but they may never take our avocados… for FREE… because adding avocado is an extra charge.”

Justin Bieber at Harvard University

“I’m only 18 years old and already I’m a bazIllionaire — and all I had to do was post a few grainy videos on YouTube. Clearly you’ve all wasted your time and money. Now, could you all please leave the premises? I just purchased this University and renamed it Bieberversity. It will now only teach pre-teen boys how to develop ‘swagger’ and how to rap in Pixar metaphors so that they can land a date with a woman twice their age.”

Lindsay Lohan at the University of Southern California

“When trying to stage a comeback, always make sure to bring your old face with you, or else people will mistake you for a Morlock in a blonde wig.”

Don Cheadle at Stanford University

“I know, you were all expecting Don Cheadle and, instead, you got me: Kathy Griffin. Oh, wait—but what’s this?” (Removes his makeup.) “Actually, you are wrong again! I am Don Cheadle and I am only playing Kathy Griffin on stage. I know: I am as awesome and as underrated as you all thought me to be.”

Tom Cruise at the University of Scientology

“All your life, people are gonna spread gay rumors about you, like the one they’re currently spreading about me, saying that I made a pass at a male masseuse. It’s outrage — what? They’re not saying that I’m gay? They’re saying Jon Travolta is gay? Oh really? That’s interesting. You don’t happen to know if Jon prefers cocoa butter over lavender-scented oils… do you?”

Adele at Oxford University

“The key to success is falling in love, getting dumped, and then using that heartbreak to write songs that make the whole world clinically depressed.”

Carly Rae Jepsen at the University of Toronto

“The key to success is waiting until Adele makes the whole word clinically depressed and then, in that dark abyss of longing she’s created, releasing a cutesy, girly song about asking a guy for his number that everyone desperately clings to for happiness.”