Before you know it, you’ve got a pile of soon-expiring coupons for laser hair removal/massage/hypnotherapy for your dog in a town 30 miles away (and you don’t even HAVE a dog). Somehow, these offers always seem too good to refuse. But what would a real fantasy Groupon look like?
Here are a few of our TOP fantasy Groupons:
1. $40 Voucher for Six Period-Free Months
Who likes to be out of commission for a full week out of every month? Not I. Hormonal, bloaty and bleedy sucks butt. But your only other options are tricycling your BC, which makes you feel paranoid about being pregnant and leads to spotting, actually being pregnant, to which I say a hearty no thank you, or menopause, to which I say another thanks-but-no-thanks. With this voucher, you’d be buying months of chilled-out, man-style living without having to flip out and drive to a CVS to pee on a stick. I’d pay 40 bucks for that.
2. $60 Voucher for a Moving Violation (no points on your license)
Unless you are extremely lucky, most of us will get caught speeding or making an illegal U-turn or something asinine of the sort at some point in our lives. This Groupon would get you off the hook without resorting to the womanly wiles of weeping at the wheel (yeah, alliteration!). Besides, with this recession, most local governments would appreciate the cash up front, no? Only problem would be the expiration date: everyone would speed home on the same day.
3. $350 for a Year of Health Insurance (You save 5000%!)
We’ve found the answer to healthcare reform! Seriously, though, I did buy a voucher for the dentist, and that’s the only way I was able to go for the first time in years. Miraculously, cavity-free. They called me up recently for a follow-up, to which I said, “If I ain’t got a coupon, it’s not happening.” I’ve also seen plenty of Botox and Lasik vouchers, which is a little disturbing. Yes, we live in an age of discount elective surgery. I’m a little surprised Blue Shield hasn’t gone this route already … bonus if there’s a Groupon for prescription drugs.
4. 55% off a Year’s Rent
Pay upfront and you get half off. Think about how fast your vacant apartments would fill up, landlords! “Yelpers rave about 324 Oxford Ave: Says Dan, ‘I live there. It’s all right.’ Yeah!”
And of course, my favorite fantasy Groupon…
5. $100 for $1000
This is even better than a CD for growing your savings (Certificate of Deposit, not the thing that came before mp3s, young ones). Yet, unlike Wall Street and Ponzi schemes, most Groupons come with a money-back guarantee. Just in case you find your grand is blood money or something. (This would be a kind of genius nouveau money-laundering scheme…)
So, what’s your dream voucher?
