Does It Make Me A Lesbian If …

… every time I make out with a girl, I’m drunk?

… if I fantasize about getting it on with Justin Bieber?

… if I think of lady lumps whenever I eat my Cocoa Puffs?

… if I confuse the term “going dutch” with lezzie porn?

… if I have season tickets to the L.A. Sparks?

… if I still rock Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” like it came out yesterday?

… if what happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas?

… if I want to do the nasty with the fanciest lesbian of all time, Prince?

… if I hope to see another Jenny Craig commercial to peep Jennifer Hudson’s ever-shrinking figure?

… if I get butterflies in my tummy when one of my girlfriends says she’ll “hook me up”?

… if I plan to dress up as a vagina for the annual West Hollywood Halloween Parade?

… if I keep my growing collection of Victoria’s Secret catalogues under my bed?

… if I give my vibrator a female nickname?

… if I go to gay bars in an effort to avoid getting hit on by guys?

… if I stare at my friend’s ginormous boobs while she breast feeds?

… if I look forward to my yearly visit to the gynecologist?

… if I thought a Padma Lakshmi was the gift of a happy ending from a masseuse?

I mean, those things don’t make me a lezzie, right?