Lucky for you, Comediva got exclusive access to some of the working scripts floating around Hollywood. Here they are:
Tolstoy In Love
Suffering from writer’s block, Tolstoy visits a local Russian bar to look for a muse. After getting drunk off of several shots of vodka, Tolstoy meets a beautiful woman named Kana Arenina. Tolstoy instantly falls in love with Kana, but Kana, unfortunately, is married to a wealthy Russian diplomat — and any affair with Tolstoy would mean that she would be shunned by Russian society for the rest of her life. But Tolstoy can’t hold back his desire for Kana and, over the course of what seems like eighty years, and after encountering what seems like five-hundred different Russians whose names we can neither pronounce nor remember, Tolstoy has an affair with Kana that ends in an illegitimate child birth, Kana’s suicide, and Tolstoy converting to Buddhism for some reason.
Dickens In Love
Unable to find the right plot for his new novel, Dickens visits a local English Pub for inspiration. After getting drunk off of several shots of hot tea, Dickens meets a beautiful woman named Astella. Astella, however, belongs to a higher class than Dickens, who’s only a lowly blacksmith’s apprentice. Afterwards, Astella leads him on with her constant flirtations, but doesn’t consummate the relationship, even after Dickens acquires a large fortune from what appears to be Astella’s mother, Miss Hasisham. Finally, after several highly unlikely coincidences, and after several equally improbable secrets are revealed, it turns out that Astella and Dickens are half sisters, Dickens inherited his fortune from his criminal father, Bernie Madoff, Miss Hasisham is really a drag queen, and it all just goes to prove that poor people have it really bad and rich people stink.
Dante In Love
Unable to find inspiration for his new epic saga, Dante visits a local Italian bar to get his creative juices flowing. After getting drunk off of several shots of tomato sauce and basil, Dante meets a beautiful woman named Veatrice. He quickly falls for her, but before he can get her number (in Roman Numerals) she dies and goes to heaven. Then, the famous Roman poet, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, shows up and tells Dante that he must go through the nine levels of hell (a.k.a. each one of the Kardashian reality shows) if he wants to meet up with Veatrice again. But Dante complains that the whole process seems a bit long and convoluted, and that he’d rather just experience the good parts in his journey — and then skip straight to the ending. The Situation agrees with Dante and they both end up blowing off most of the journey to go tan themselves under hell’s fire and brimstone.
