Anthropomorphized felines, monsters and a sweet, cat-ified ThunderTank! What kid could ask for more?
With a revamped animated series receiving rave reviews on Cartoon Network and many a young parent introducing their spawn to the glory of Panthro’s S&M-inspired duds and the hotness that is Cheetara, mayhap ’tis time for the ThunderCats to hit the big screen!
But who has the gravitas (and Q Rating!) to embody such cat-tastically heroic individuals? Producers just need to take a look at the headlines for their dream cast!
Lion-O, as portrayed by Bradley Cooper
After The A-Team (Thunder)tanked at the box office, Cooper’s in the market for a new action franchise. Plus, the Actor’s Studio alum gets the meaty role of Lion-O, a boy-king prematurely aged to adulthood by a faulty cryogenic chamber. Wrestling with incredible responsibility and his former teachers and elders looking to him for leadership, thank goodness he has his Sword of Omens to yank on for relaxation. People’s Sexiest Man Alive + humanoid lion + hilarious kid-in-adult-body hijinks = BOX OFFICE!
Tygra, as portrayed by Mel Gibson
A comeback role for Ol’ Mel, maybe piling on enough makeup and prosthetics will hide his shame. He can practice some Zen balance with the incredibly dull Tygra, the “Professor” of the ThunderCats. Mel can definitely relate to a former noble who now finds his old world and status destroyed, with enemies plotting to take him down at every turn. Or maybe that’s just hallucinations from the DTs.
Panthro, as portrayed by Herman Cain
Now that he’s out of the Presidential race, the pizza king needs something else to focus on, especially now that all the media attention won’t even let him fuck around on the side! With his ninja-like groping abilities and keen business mind (which will help him memorize dialogue), who better than Mr. Cain for the role of the ThunderCats’ mechanic and overall MacGyver.
Cheetara, as portrayed by Lady Gaga
Eager to move her marketing behemoth to films, Lady Gaga would jump at the chance to play the sexy warrior woman, Cheetara. Asked why she took the part, Gaga responded, “I like pussy. And cats, too.”
Snarf, as portrayed by Newt Gingrich
The Republican Presidential hopeful is willing to try anything to get some votes! Sold on the role of “caretaker and guardian to a young king,” Newt would soon discover that he’s actually playing a fat, alien-cat nursemaid. But that should be no problem: he wouldn’t be the first politician to whore himself out, but maybe the first in a while to do so to a Saturday morning cartoon audience. Mumm-Ra, as portrayed by Kim Kardashian
Who better to portray the decrepit, mummified monster than someone who’s already dead inside? Every hero is defined by their nemesis. It takes a special individual to channel the callous disregard for human life and utter disdain for those beneath them that is the hallmark of a true villain. Fortunately for Kim, it comes naturally!
