Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Newly Single Friend

He had a small dick, anyway.  I’ve seen it.

newlysingleI told you he was gay!

Now don’t you feel stupid for having that threesome?

He was probably cheating on your ass.  I’d get tested if I were you.

His ugly brought your cute to an all time low.

No one really liked him, anyway.  Seriously.  Like, no one.

I always knew you could do better.

Thank you for finally taking me into consideration.  He didn’t have any cute friends.

You should totally sleep with the next guy you see to get over him.  Look, there’s one.

Now we can be single together!

(Note: “You owe your vaj an apology” is also not appreciated).

So the next time you’re itching to say any number of the above, think twice before you make an already unbearable situation even more difficult.  After all, sometimes your best bet is to lend a helpful ear.

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About the author

NJ Leumas is an east coast native and L.A. transplant who carries a trusty pen with her wherever she goes and a pack of Super Bubble gum to feed her unhealthy obsession. She writes for print and screen and dreams of one day being bi-coastal.

View all articles by NJ Leumas

2 comments

  1. Forrest Gump

    You mean I shouldn’t say, “Love is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Some chocolates are nuts. And sometimes we’re fatally allergic. And sometimes the chocolate makes us want to die.”

    No?

  2. Vickie Toro

    my favorite was when i was dispelling major beer tears unto one of my best friends.

    Me: God. Why am I so awful? It’s hopeless.

    BFF: You’re not awful, you’re just Vickie.

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