Psychopaths are all totally trending right now: everybody wants to know if they are one, or if they know of one.
Now that winter is here, there are so many different ways to dress it up like a charming, manipulative, egotistical individual who lacks empathy for all human beings.
Here’s your Winter Psychopath Style guide:
The Psychopathic High-Powered Businesswoman Look for Young Women
Wear a red, tight-fitting pantsuit. Put your hair up in a tight bun. Carry a giant oil painting of you at all times (so you can display your overblown sense of self-importance). Inside of your compact, make sure to hide a list of all the lies you’ve been telling people (for no apparent reason) so that you can keep track of them all. Finally, have a “blame pencil” handy, so that whenever someone tells you that it was your fault that you purposely cut off you secretary’s hand, you can point your pencil at them and blame them for it.
This look will certainly have the men at your workplace saying: “Even though she’s a cold-hearted bitch — who’s clearly psychotic— I’m secretly fascinated by her bat-s@#% craziness!”
The Kathy Bates Look for Older Women
Wear a red-flannel dress shirt over a turtleneck sweater. Wear your hair short and neat like a 3rd grade school girl going to Sunday mass. Keep a bottle of kerosene and box of matches in your pocket (just in case you ever find yourself reading a book you don’t like and want to set it on fire). In one hand, make sure to carry a revolver that doesn’t have any bullets, just to show people that you mean business (but are willing to be lenient at first). Meanwhile, in your other hand, make sure to carry a giant Home Depot-style hammer for severing the feet of naughty people who don’t stay in the room that you keep them locked up in against their own will.
This look is sure to have all the boys saying, “Why she looks just a like a school teacher whose modest clothing choices makes her random, anger-laden, screaming rants delightfully charming.”
The Hannibal Lector Look for Older Men
Stretch yourself out on a hospital gurney, don a straight jacket, and place a muzzle over your face. Finally, give yourself the “Jack Nicholson haircut.”
This look is sure to have all the girls saying: “Oooh, I’d love to have him eat me with some fava beans and a nice chianti!”
The Norman Bates Look for Younger Men
Wear a nice sweater over a long-sleeved dress shirt. Just make sure that you’re wearing an old lady dress underneath all of this, and that you have a briefcase handy with an old lady wig and a cutting-board knife—just in case a hot, blonde woman decides to take a shower alone in her hotel room.
This look is sure to have all the ladies saying: “Wow, that looks like a man who can get me off screaming way before the climax.”
