Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are eager to get beamed up into the White House. But they, along with way too many of their co-radicals, seem to have reconstructed their far, far, far right-wing platform into something of a holodeck; that is, a platform with zero true-scientific plausibility, but looks really cool and can be explained by make-believe facts in impressive-sounding one-liners.
So what kinds of tools does the Starship [Non]Enterprise have at its disposal, apart from windows that can open?
Uterian Selective Processizer
Women in the Radical Right-Wing Universe have zero excuses for unplanned pregnancies. Because everyone from the Abstinence Only Academy knows all uteri come equipped with Jesus-made fallopian hatch-doors that can detect unwanted visitors via a very sophisticated process known as “Shutting It Down.”
De-Poorification Wormhole
Poor people don’t exist; just lazy people. And what better way to clean up the riff-raff and buoy the non-lazies than by launching a De-Poorification Wormhole Missile into the far reaches of space and sucking all unworthy citizens and their excuses into their perceived origin [an alternate universe]?
Xenosensitive Force-Shield and Revelationizer
Sometimes those pesky aliens are crafty enough to infiltrate in clever, unsuspecting disguises. And we can’t have that: not when they’re taking all the jobs in the engine room and Affirmative Activizing into all of our schools. They can’t be better shipmates than the rest of us. But with the ultra-sensitive force-shield that can weed out the falsies and force them to show the colors we know are lurking under their misleading skins, we won’t have to worry anymore.
Homo-Identifying Blaster Gun
Sometimes the biggest threat is the one born within our own walls: a traitor who’s just jazz hands away from inciting mutiny and bringing the ship under a far too fabulous rule. Does this shipmate listen to a little too much Ani DiFranco or Lady Gaga? Do they take frequent trips with a same-sex best friend into the loading deck? Beware: without the help of this gaydar gun, with the power to reveal one’s sexuality as well as reconfigure the gay cells into straight cells, you might be next. It’s contagious, after all, and you’re in a very confined space.
Urbanterrestrial Gentrificator
Just a step below the De-Poorification Wormhole, this weapon — errrrr, tool — doesn’t sweep undesirables under the rug completely, but just keeps them concentrated in one place so they’re easier to identify and deal with. And, you know, so they can be with their own kind.
