Hello there, couch-surfers, loners, and financially challenged! What with my friend Nora’s recent predicament — that of finding a roommate to fill her jerk
boyfriend’s void
(she won’t see this, will she?) — I decided to take my organizational skills and wisdom and put them to good use.
We all know how tricky finding a new roommate can be, especially in a city where the watchword is “deranged,” so it’s important to lay down some standards for the most potentially confrontational of situations.
So here are my own Top 5 roommate criteria — all of which I’m sure you’ll agree with:
1. Lightness of Foot
I’m not talking about salsaing, unless you’re into group dance-class-bonding. No, what I’m referring to here is your potential roommate’s ability to wander through the house without disturbing the peace. Stompers, sweepers, constant-trippers…all can and should be avoided at all costs. Your neighbors-from-below’ll appreciate it, too.
2. Decibel Level
Slightly related to #1, but this one also encompasses things like how loudly they talk, how poor their hearing is (and how that poor hearing affects TV-volume, your volume, music-volume, etc.), and how often your neighbors’ll be likely to call the police. Believe me, having to talk at 50 dB at every waking moment, as well as having to listen to The Bachelor (because, let’s face it, most obnoxiously loud-talkers are into trashy TV — it’s science) all the way up, is no way to live.
3. Free-Spiritedness
Now, this one’s tricky — there are all sorts of components that go into accurately gauging compatibility here. For example, good free-spiritedness can include how open and independent they are, meaning they won’t be creepily clingy and constantly disrupt your you-time. Bad free-spiritedness, on the other hand, has more to do with nudism and late-night romantic encounters with weird strangers.
4. Politeness References
Anyone can pretend to be polite when need be, especially if they’re desperate for a place to sleep, so it’s important to make sure they provide good examples of past acts of altruism and general politeness. Have they ever helped a granny cross the street? Do they always tip 15 percent? When was the last time they called their mother? If they’re good to others, they’ll be good to you.
5. Area Consumption/Agility
This isn’t intended to be sizist; in fact, I know many a — er — larger person who knows how to limit their area consumption. It’s all about considerateness and agility, especially if your apartment’s a little cramped. Will they be swift and flexible enough to sidestep away an awkward, accidental groping? It’s basic math: accidental gropings make any subsequent eye-contact uncomfortable.
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So there you have it, folks; just a few examples from my own Roommate-Selection System.
What do you look for in a roommate?
