I’ll say it: I have mad respect for the former Sexiest Woman Alive.1 Let’s not forget she gave a commanding performance in Gia and she held her own with the great Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted, earning her an Oscar. Yes, she’s had some freaky deaky-ness — the blood-vial necklaces, her penchant for knives, the general shadiness surrounding the start of her romance with current Mr. Jolie — but you can’t deny that she gives back a shitload to society and has been doing so since her Tomb Raider days. And, of course, she’s gorgeous. Or was. Not that she’s not attractive anymore, but there’s something going on. She looks, well, kinda like a drag queen.
For anyone alive during the last 15 years, I don’t think I need to expound on the fact that during the turn of the millennium, Angelina was widely acknowledged as the most beautiful person on planet earth. Oprah said so.2 People did too.3 I think she even won some sort of intergalactic beauty award. She was pretty much acknowledged by all people of all nations as being the most beautiful woman ever to have lived.4
You can’t expect that kind of transient beauty to hold up. We’re people, we age. The human body is a delicate flower. Parts begin to slip and slide and pretty soon your boobs are on your back. Age happens. So it’s no surprise that Angelina may not look like she once did. It’s what is happening that’s the problem. It’s unnatural. Her nose is smaller. Her cheekbones pointier. Her lips bigger (is that possible?). And her body, so tiny! Every day she seems to look less human and more like an aging Bratz doll.
It is maybe not so coincidental that this modern Helen of Troy should be headed for such a sharp fall. Allow me to digress. If you believe the o.g. feminists, then all femininity is a performance. There’s truth in this, I mean, look at all the crap we do to ourselves. Make-up, manicures, Brazilian waxes, Brazilian blowouts, breast implants, butt implants, shaving, bleaching, dying, plucking — it’s like a freaking Kabuki theater up in here. And it’s not all the skin-deep stuff either. The way we walk, the way we talk, the way we laugh: it’s deeply engrained. Not that everything we do is put on, but a lot of it is. And those in the position of “most beautiful” are entrenched in this performance the deepest. That other great icon of sexiness, Marilyn Monroe, took four hours to get ready every morning5, and I bet you that wasn’t all brushing her teeth.
When one ages and the markers of age start to jeopardize that feminine performance, it’s tempting to cling to the things that used to work.
“I look good skinny, I’ll get thinner!”
“People like smooth skin, I’ll make mine tighter!”
“People like my lips, I’ll make them bigger!”
We lose our femininity, and we cling to the epic markers of femininity even tighter. But by overindulging, we border 
on over doing it RuPaul style. Epic fail.
Look no further to illustrate this than the classic warning, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Bette Davis is brilliant in her role as former child star Baby Jane Hudson, delusional in her attempt to resuscitate her career. She’s hideous, and that’s the point.
Besides being a successful thriller, this genius film is a self-referential commentary on the process of aging as a woman in Hollywood. Davis as Jane is horrifying, but mostly because her character tries so hard. In her attempt to look young she overdoes everything, and it’s wrong, terribly terribly wrong.
And, so too is Angelina. But that path is not predetermined. And so I beg of you Angelina: Please, stop now. No more nipping and/or tucking. No more Pilates. Eat something (you’re at Cannes, have a croissant — maybe two!). Do whatever it takes. But you have been warned. You are on the verge of becoming a drag version of yourself. In fact, I thought I did see you on Drag Race Season 2 — turns out it was “David “Raven” Petruschi, a 30-year old man from Riverside.6 If that doesn’t scare you, nothing will.
1 FHM magazine (2005).
2 She didn’t really.
3 They did, really (2009).
4 Wikipedia.
5 Michelle Williams. Seriously (in an interview on Fresh Air).
6 http://www.tmz.com/2010/04/04/angelina-jolie-is-on-rupauls-drag-race/
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