As many of you across the country anxiously return to college, you will without a doubt experience the harsh economic realities of books, tuition, and the morning after pill — not to mention the constant absence of sleep due to
“studying.” But the genius/devious minds here at Comediva have researched the best locations on college campuses to sneak away and enjoy that well deserved mid-day nap.
1. Car
The obvious choice would be sleeping in your car, but depending on the undergraduate institution, this may result in increased risk of carjacking, stabbing or sightings of homeless masturbation. If you do decide to doze off in your car, make sure to purchase a sunscreen for your windshield, as the last thing you want is for someone to take a picture of you while you’re knocked out with your mouth wide open. This can make for unflattering photoshopped images of anything being inserted into your mouth.
2. Bookstacks
Commonly known as a barren wasteland where half decomposed books, articles and newspapers go to die. This special sanctuary is filled with dark corners and labyrinth hallways making it one of the most desirable places for some shuteye. WARNING: These clandestine conditions also attract ultra horny students on the fast track to unplanned pregnancy and Chlamydia. So, if you don’t mind the occasional moan, scream or “wrong hole!” startling you out of your siesta, then this hibernation haven is for you!
3. Study Room
For a first-class, executive napping experience, planning ahead is essential. What you’ll need to do is reserve a study room in your library. These rooms come equipped with the latest and or greatest in Swedish design. Savor that coma-like catnap as you rest comfortably in an ergonomically designed chair and nuzzle your cheek against the cold laminate tabletop. Remember, these are coveted study spaces so be prepared to defend your territory from business and comm student groups hell bent on multi-person studying.
4a. Antisocial Areas
It is imperative that you identify the more antisocial areas of your campus. For instance, the physics and engineering departments are great starts. These geeks will be too busy calculating neutrino velocity to interrupt your soothing slumber. However, if you’re female, these virgin scientists will most likely attempt to calculate the slope and cup size of your cleavage as you’re catching up on that much needed REM.
4b. Avoid Greek Areas
Related to section 4a, avoid any and all locations where fraternity and sorority members congregate, as their loud drunken shenanigans can incept itself into your dreams turning your delightful reverie into a Greek drama nightmare.
5. Upper Dorm Floors
Let’s say the night before you drank too much or ate too many old burritos while playing Portal 2 until 4 a.m. You’ll not only need to fit in some extra Zs, but you may need to make many unpleasant trips to the bathroom. Well, you don’t want to use the disgusting third-world bathrooms characteristic of the lower level floors. You’ll need to venture up to the top stories of the buildings on campus.
These floors offer beautiful views, comfy couches, low student traffic and most importantly, the cleanest bathrooms at your school! Remember, you pay your inflated tuition and you’re an upstanding citizen, (if not, lie and say you are) then why not spoil yourself by partaking in the same lavatories of the chancellors and presidents of your college? You deserve it!
