Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of October 10, 2011

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  You’re angry about something silly this week, but you’re in the right. That clown was a total asshole to cut you off in traffic.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  There’s light at the end of the tunnel this week. Good call with the glow-in-the-dark condoms! Everyone likes spooky sex.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  The cosmic challenge of your week is to put your trust in others. That blunt that’s being passed around during that concert you’re going to is totally good to go.

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Be less afraid and more inspired this week. Beer before liquor never been sicker? How about Jaeger and wine, feelin’ so fine!

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Experience can be a great teacher, but sometimes it can be deceptive … just because you’ve done something before doesn’t make you an expert. That little trick you did was more luck than actual skill. To repeat it, you’ll have to do a lot more Kegels. And take a few muscle relaxers.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  Your own advice is the best advice you can take this week. I follow my own advice all the time: “Hey Shirley, want another drink?” “Why Shirley, what an excellent idea! Don’t mind if I do!” Glug glug glug!

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  The craziest people are the ones who think they’re sane. So to convince that new guy you’re dating that you’re not batshit, you should put a lampshade on your head and howl at the moon. At least you’re owning it.

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: You’ve lost energy pursuing the same old, tired route, but really you’re coming to a new beginning. Time to switch it up at the swinger’s club.

Leo [July 23 – Aug. 22]: Your life’s been like a soap opera lately. Hopefully, this week will bring some resolution to the drama. That is, unless JORGE was secretly sleeping with JULIANA while you were in that COMA!!!!