You know, a cabinet like … the entire cast of Glee!
A Glee Presidential Cabinet would always remind us to never “stop believin’ ” and would probably look a lot like this:
President: Sue Sylvester
Sue Sylvester would see democracy as a stifling institution that hinders all progress, so she would merge all three branches of the government into one, all-powerful branch under her rule. The passage of new laws would be simple: if Sue likes it, it’s given special treatment and wins a trophy; if Sue doesn’t like it, she’ll belittle and ridicule the new law until it loses all desire to live.
First Order of Business: To combat the obesity epidemic by passing an executive order mandating that all citizens run 50 laps at the butt-crack of dawn.
Vice President: Finn Hudson
Like most Vice Presidents, Finn would act as the talentless goofball whose main job is to recite speeches from pre-written scripts, look adorable, and sport his best “I’m conflicted” look (by crunching up his eyebrows really intensely) whenever there is a national emergency.
First Order of Business: Blush.
Secretary of Health: Ms. Emma Pillsbury
Ms. Pillsbury would require everyone to wear plastic gloves and would make abstinence the law of the land. The downside: under Ms. Pillsbury, Americans would become OCD-plagued, sex-starved, neurotic freaks. The upside: AIDS and the common cold would be wiped out within a year.
First Order of Business: Request that the bible she is going to be sworn in on be scrubbed with bleach … repeatedly.
Secretary of State: Blaine Anderson
Mesmerized by Secretary of State Blaine’s dreamy eyes and charming voice, every country in the world would become our allies … and our new gay boyfriends.
First Order of Business: Lead the Warblers in an uplifting, a cappella love medley that would finally soften the rocky relationship between India and Pakistan.
Secretary of Education: Kurt Hummel
Kurt would mandate that all school bullies be transferred to special “bully schools” where they are taught to be tolerant of people who are “different.”
First Order of Business: Implement a strict dress code for every school that would be comprised of a trench coat, a vest, a bow tie, a fabulous scarf, and a fancy “church hat.”
Ambassador to the United Nations: Rachel Berry
To help establish world peace, Rachel would sing Barbara Streisand’s “People” at a special, nighttime UN meeting. The song would prompt a meaningful dialogue between warring countries — up until Charice Pempengco, Ambassador from the Philippines, showed up to perform a show-stopping rendition of “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey. Charice’s song would cause everyone to declare the Philippines the new world power, and Rachel would have to return to the U.S. and relay the bad news to us by singing “Back To December” by Taylor Swift.
First Order of Business: Slap the Ambassador of North Korea across the face.
