As you may have noticed, the new trend is to dress totally androgynous.
So, here’s your Comediva guide to making hip, post-gender fashion choices that are sure to mind-fuck every he/she/? you meet!
The Gay Male Hipster Look for Lesbians
Don some geek-chic glasses. Wear a fedora. Sport an army jacket over a light-pink tank top. Wear some short-shorts with long, black-and-white striped socks, and some Converse shoes decorated in skull and crossbone stickers. Finally, hold a soymilk latte in one hand and a book by Frank Kafka in the other.
This look is sure to make everyone at the local dive bar wonder: “Does that person have a penis, a vagina, or a some sort of penis-vagina? I have no friggin’ clue! But I gotta admit: I am so turned on right now.”
The Power Lesbian Look for Gay Men
Wear a hot pink Miami-Vice-style dress shirt with a beige-colored dress coat. Add some blonde highlights to your hair and style it into a foehawk. Instead of wearing dress shoes, wear an old, broken-in pair of Sketchers. Finally, keep a pair of white Oakley’s perched over your eyes at all times.
This look is sure to make every person you pass by on the street shout: “Hey girl/boy/whatever! Judging from only you backside, I’m not totally sure whether you’re a graduate school metrosexual, a prom-bound teenage lesbian, a straight female corporate executive, or a gay male strip club owner, but I totally dig it!”
The Steven Tyler Look for Straight Men
Wear a light-purple, orange pock-a-dot scarf. Then, under a bright orange blouse, put on a silk, leopard-print wife beater. Make sure to keep your hair long and flowy, like a horse’s mane. Finally, apply some eye shadow to the eyes, and a coat of red lipstick to the lips.
This look is sure to have the person standing behind you in line at your local coffee shop say:
“Hey… you… there. You display a devastatingly disorienting mix of feminine and masculine energies which has, for the first time in my life, made my genitals literally frown in frustrating bewilderment—and that’s totally groovy, baby!”
The Ellen Look for Straight Women
Ask your hair stylist to give you “the-white-guy-from-One-Tree-Hill” hair cut. Then put on a navy blue, pin-stripped vest and a pair of beige khaki’s. Finally, wear a pair of light-blue Vans sneakers.
This look is sure to have other androgynous-styled people nearby turn their heads to you and say: “What’s up, fellow non-gender specific individual: we live in a world where sexuality is so fluid that I don’t really care whether we go on a date and find out that together we make a gay male couple, a lesbian couple, a straight couple, OR a gay-straight couple. Love is love, and somehow we’ll figure out how to pair up whatever plugs and sockets the both of us have.”
