With the release of yesterday’s transcript of the first of the oral arguments in the Supreme Court case concerning marriage equality, it’s easy to see both sides of the issue have their work cut out for them.
That is to say, the justices are really…laying down the law.
What’s more, the level of aw-snapness served up by the likes of Sotomayor, Kagan, Ginsburg, Breyer, Roberts, Alito, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas proves justice is a dish best served sassy.
So can you really blame a kid who earned degrees in I Don’t Know How To Do Practical Things Like Math [Cinema-Television Critical Studies] and Maybe I Should’ve Listened To My Mother [Narrative Studies] for equating the well matured nature of the Justices’ sass with the sass of everyone’s favorite Golden Girls?
So here to help us get a better visual of the delivery of some of the sassiest lines of the day are the cast of Law & Order: Golden Girls Edition.
1. First, Charles J. Cooper, the attorney representing the anti-equality side, was like:
But before Cooper/Sophia could get too excited, Justice Ginsburg got real:
GINSBURG: …Mr. Cooper, Baker v. Nelson was back in 1971…
[Audience: OOHHHHH SNAP!]
…when gayness was outlawed completely and we didn’t even know WTF gender was, sooooooo… I don’t think we can get too much outta Baker v. Nelson. Because that was like. You know. What. 50 years ago.
[WHOMP-WHOMP SAD MUSIC PLAYS. COOPER SLOUCHES.]
2. Then, Cooper was all:
But then, sassily perplexed by Sophia’s [Cooper’s] WTFery, enter Kagan and co.:
[Direct quotations:]
KAGAN: Well, suppose a State said…’Because we think that the focus of marriage should really be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55. Would that be constitutional?
COOPER: No, Your Honor, that wouldn’t be constitutional.
KAGAN: Because…if you are over the age of 55, you don’t help us serve the government’s interest in regulating procreation through marriage. So why is that different?
COOPER: Your Honor, even with respect to couples over the age of 55, it is very rare that both parties are infertile, and the traditional —
(Laughter.)
KAGAN: No, really, because if the couple — I can just assure you, if both the woman and the man are over the age of 55, there are not a lot of children coming out of that marriage.
(Laughter.)
[CLOSE-UP ON: Sotomayor’s ‘AW SNAP’ FACE; Kagan looks directly at camera and raises eyebrows; Ginsburg chortles.]
3. And then Cooper tried to fight Kagan:
But Scalia was having none of it:
SCALIA: That super racist segregationist dude Strom Thurmond wasn’t chairman of the Senate committee when Kagan was confirmed.
[Audience: AW SNAP!]
…You remember segregation, right?
[Audience: Laugh track]
—-
And there you have it, folks: proof the Supreme Court justices are worthy of their own law-themed Golden Girls spin-off.
What have been some of your favorite “Aw snap!” moments of the hearing so far?
