And today, Comediva has your latest news about the film: we’ve been told that the reason the Ninja Turtles won’t be portrayed as teenagers is because they’re going to be portrayed as senior citizens confronting their inevitable mortality.
Comediva was able to get an exclusive preview of the new film, Turtles in an Empty, Discarded Shell: Turtle Pacemaker Power!
Here are the Ninja Turtles in their golden years:
Leonardo
Although he’s now retired, Leonardo is forced to use his old crime-fighting skills to prevent a suspicious-looking armadillo, named Greg, from marrying his only female hatchling. To test Greg’s loyalty to the Ninja Turtle’s “inner circle,” Leonardo forces his future son-in-law to take a lie detector test. But when Greg fails the test, Leonardo snaps. His repressed rage from decades of always taking the moral high ground finally bubbles to the surface, and he uses his katana to slice Greg into pieces. At first, the audience will be shocked by this, but then they’ll nod in approval because, secretly, they always wanted him to do that. Gnarly!
Raphael
Raphael is kicked out of his retirement home after they discover that he’s selling “toxic ooze” to his fellow residents. He moves in with his son and his family. Then, one day, they all take a cross-country road trip together so that Raphael’s granddaughter can enter a beauty pageant in California. Sadly, while on the trip, Raphael dies from a toxic ooze overdose. But, instead of giving Raphael a proper burial, the family shoves him in the trunk of their yellow VW bus and leave him there, rotting in his shell, while they all go dance to the song “Superfreak.” Bitchin’!
Michelangelo
After his crime-fighting days were over, Michelangelo went into the restaurant business. He ended up making a fortune selling pizza recipes to working-class Americans. But because he was on a pizza-only diet his entire life, Michelangelo contracts Type 2 Diabetes and is forced to share this news with the public. This revelation, along with rumors that Michelangelo was speciesist against his Ninja Lizard staff, garners Michelangelo no sympathy from the public, and makes him the butt of several tortoise jokes on Saturday Night On The Pond Live. Totally tubular, dude!
Donatello
After several decades of being married to a female turtle, Donatello comes out as a gay turtle to his only son. Then, he reveals that he has terminal cancer. As he suffers from the disease, Donatello begins an open relationship with a young, gay Ninja Frog. By the time Donatello passes, he teaches his son several beautiful life lessons like: it’s never too late to find love and; even though it sounds like a great idea at first, a bo staff should never be used for foreplay. Cowabunga!
An interesting take on the future of the turtles.