The Book of Abs-onicus
by Jesus of Nazareth
Hidy-ho, my children! Jesus here, with a brief but important message, as always.
I know what you’re thinking: “Brief? Since when has anything Jesus-related been brief?”
Over the years, a number of you have asked [privately], “Man, how did He get those rock-hard abs?”
I know this because I can read minds.
Well, in an effort to help you out, and in the spirit of giving, I decided to put together a list of the things that help me stay in shape, even after holiday feasting:
1. Walk everywhere.
You are all spoiled with your cars and your buses and whatnot, but walking a few hundred miles every year will really build up that metabolism and make ab-maintenance super easy. What do you think I was up to during all those missing years?
2. When walking, make your destination Good Karma.
Do stuff like heal the sick, punish the greedy, and limit your emissions; bending over backwards to do the right thing is what I think Jillian Michaels refers to as “crunches,” but with double the results. Good deeds = good heart = good cardio. Remember that. Optional: yoga ball.
3. Eat right.
I know you all have the magic that is “The Refrigerator” and “Fast Food” nowadays, and you don’t have to worry about bad fish and all sorts of other no-no foods someone wrote about in Leviticus, but I’m pretty sure Dad included “gluttony” somewhere in the Bible. I’m not saying you need to cut out the Double-Doubles completely — because HOOOOO-EY, even I know that’d be impossible — but, you know, think of it as saving that next one for later. The wait’ll make it all the more delicious.
And that’s all I’ve got for you, kids. Now, I know you must all be feeling pretty skeptical. I mean, not everyone’s dad is God, right? “Ho-ho, Jesus,” you say, “We can’t all be the Chosen One or whatever.”
Really, all it takes is a little effort.
And, you know what? You don’t need abs to be hott.
(But if you’re still not convinced, I’ve heard sex does wonders for muscle tone.
…Don’t be so surprised.
I know you’re doing it anyway.)
